Forgot today's #dropselfie for dysautonomia!

It's still October, so shout out to my Spoonies with dysautonomia!

Today I had a rough go of it at temp work, so I took a #dropselfie! 3 cheers for vanity after an attack of Neurocardiogenic Syncope! ;)

My head feels stuffed full of cotton wool for a few solid hours after an episode. Yay for random gravity checks on an otherwise run-of-the-mill Tuesday. ;) #dropfordysautonomia

Just a jolly jaunt to the quickie mart

It's been almost 10 months and I just ran a quick trip!

Say what?!

Ok, maybe it wasn't really quick. And it happened a little over an hour ago. 

I mean, nothing in the past year and a half has been quick anymore due to my physical limits... But Charlie Majors and I just loaded up in the car and went. I had my keys tethered to my wallet with D links, and we stopped at the local dinky grocery 5 minutes from our place.

 On the HUGE plus side, it was 30 minutes to store closing, and the handicapped parking spot was, no joke, a little less than 17 feet to the inside of the store. (Why yes, I did count the steps! Haha)

I hooked Charlie's harness up to the wallet mess and we walked in as fast as I could muster. I think he knew how I was feeling, because he did amazingly. No balking or anticipating commands before they're ordered. We got oriented to the department I needed, and we "Left!", "Yes! Right!", "okay, let's go!"ed our way to and from that department all the way to the checkout counter. I loaded our 4 items on the belt and he obeyed hand signals while I talked and it looked like I wasn't paying him attention!!! (I could have burst with pride!)

I had a pamphlet in the wallet and I paid, casually leaving behind the info. The only question I got from any of the staff was "Aww! How long has he been training? Have you heard of 'hand-in-paw'?" (They train therapy animals to visit hospital patients.) 

I faced this chore with grim determination, pretty sure I would encounter an uneducated manager that didn't want us visiting (because we are in the boonies) and was really pleasantly surprised by the casual perfessional attitude of the employees, and the amazing parking spot. (I can't talk about the parking spot enough, but imagine it: I pulled in, opened the door, and the ramp was parallel to my side of the car. Up the gentle slope, the doors slid open and groceries awaited! It was SUCH a welcome break energy wise!!!!)

Charlie got lots of love and 3 training treats. When we got home, he brought the grocery sack in and stayed with me until my heart slowed back down from an almost syncope spell.

Mama's good, hardworking boy, and yours truly.

No Job October!

So the big news this month is I am no longer gainfully employed.

I am staying on at work until the 24th as a favor to my employer, because another co-worker is on FMLA. I'm not sure what prompted me to agree to stay on longer, because I really am at the end of myself.

I had a very hard week so far, and I think Charlie is going to sprout more gray hairs.
*My car broke down and is going to take a few hundred to fix.
*Charlie hurt himself badly under his left arm, and can't wear his harness right now.
*Fleas have stepped up their game and now all our cats have them.

I am avoiding social media right now because I can't get a grip on what to think/say/do, so if you miss me - I'm sorry.

Leaving work yesterday was awful. There is no trace of me here - and everything I've worked for over the past two years seems in vain. I sacrificed self, family, fun, health and home all to be the best I could be at work - and it's moving on without me. It's just a lot to process.

I love you, dear reader. Please be gentle with yourself and try not to worry about me. I'm just going to take it at whatever pace I am given, while I try to decide what to do next.

It's been a long time!

How many tags can I add to one post?!

Here's my update from this month:

I've been under a "gag order" at work, so I can't update much there - except to say "stay tuned for October!"

I went on a weekend getaway with my bestest buddy, J, and our mutual friends paid for us to spend the weekend in Orange Beach, AL with our friend Mrs. Sam. (I have a Mrs. Sam friend and a completely different and unrelated Mr. Sam friend.) Charlie got to experience sand under his paws, a cafe with dogs off leash, and our mutual favorite: a few rides on Mrs. Sam's boat!

We had such a time convincing him to get his butt in the boat the first time! I don't think we would have made it if not for Mrs. Sam and her husband, as well as J and me physically getting him onboard. When the wind whipped up, and he realised staying in the shade on the towel in "down, stay" resulted in a smooth ride, where he could enjoy the salt air and watch the waves without getting wet, he was HOOKED! The next day, I asked him: "Charlie, wanna go on the boat?" and he practically flung himself down the stairs to get to the back door, where we came in from the dock the previous afternoon.

I felt so lazy and loved that weekend. Mrs. Sam and her husband made such delicious food, and we played with yarn. Mrs. Sam let us each pick which guest room we wanted to bunk in, and my bed felt like a snuggly hug on a cloud. We got a sand castle pail with yarn and other neat goodies in it! She is one of the most generous, funny and loving hostesses (and friend) a gal could wish for! We watched their horse race on TV, and she came in 2nd place. Here's hoping she'll come in 1st next time! :D

I've made 2 pairs of socks this month...well, almost. I have to put the heels in the first pair and finish off the second sock. Progress though!

I met with a bone specialist about my limited use in my hands. Come to find out, I have up to 20% usage of them. He wants me to start occupational therapy, and if we see no improvement, I'm looking at having to have surgery on them to tack the ligaments and tendons back into place where they should be and stay. Not good. Since we know it's a connective tissue disorder I have, the doctor is really not happy about the prospect of surgeries. He said I will have to go to UAB or possibly somewhere more presigious out of state to get it done by a surgeon whose whole practice is dedicated to hand surgeries, and in all liklihood, I will have to repeat the process in some years to come.

I now have a walker - I have to use it whenever Charlie and I aren't together. I feel a bit safer with it, at least indoors, because I have somewhere to park my butt when I'm feeling faint - and I also have something on both sides of me to keep me upright. When I'm with Charlie, I know he will help me or find help if I need it, and he can now be trusted to carry things for me, so he's a huge help - plus I get a lot less pity with Charlie and a cane than I do when I have my walker. Another huge perk to Charlie is I don't have to put him in the car, he gets in himself - the walker's a pain and a half to get in and out of the car, just because I end up popping all over, and people keep offering to help me do it - which weirds me out, because uhm...I don't know them, and they're helping me at my car. Makes my brain think of those old 1990's episodes of the Oprah Show where she talks about how to get away from attackers by twisting your arm just so - and if you get thrown in a trunk to kick the taillight out. And then I hear Sandra Bullock in my head from "Ms. Congeniality" go through her routine on stage on how to disable an attacker, and I think: "Can I do that, or will I hurt myself more than I hurt them?". Ugh.

Another adventure from this month makes me wonder if a study has been done on service dog handlers. My dad is disabled, and went with my mom to get a new ID this month. They took Charlie with him while I was at work, and everyone commented to dad "What a handsome dog!", and left it at that. No one tried to touch Dad or Charlie. When my mom or I have Charlie, people come up and invade our space all the time. The creepiest and most destructive is when someone brushes up like a pickpocketer and touches one of us. It's so super creepy and unsettling! I end up being really mean and saying "Don't touch!" or "Stop touching us now!" loudly. I don't understand why people don't see that's creepy! And it's rewarding Charlie, when all "on duty love" needs to come from me, his handler. My health is pretty brittle, and I need his attention and protection. He can handle my "episodes" and get my meds or help. It's scary enough to think I could have a "nervous system reboot" and be vulnerable without society reinforcing that my body and personal space doesn't belong to me. We're not a "cute dog team", we're a "working dog team". I don't know how to handle this right now. Any tips?

Lots of love xoxo
-Beth

All we can do is keep breathing

Charlie and his new flamingo toy

It's been a long month. To be honest, it's been an emotional roller coaster of a month. I find myself randomly crying, and fainting, and laughing. Charlie always makes me laugh.

I'm still hurting over my Grandma passing away, and the fact that we weren't there when she died. I know it's unreasonable and unrealistic, but it's there in my mind.

I've recently seen a neurologist and had an MRI and an MRA. (The most expensive pictures of me that have ever been taken!) I go to see him again tomorrow to hear what he sees going on with my brain. I've been really angry and sad this month regarding health. I know it comes in doses, and I will have renewed perspective and resolve possibly even tomorrow. Right now I just want to take my body off and get a respite from it.

The neurologist said he doesn't understand why no one has mentioned Marfan syndrome to me, because I have long limbs, skinny wrists and chronic pain paired with flexibility. So now yet another rare thing is possibly wrong with me. Russian roulette: EDS, Sticklers, Marfan.  

My insurance sucks. It's better than not having any, that's for dang sure, because I've been there, and that's why I lived with all this crap without seeing doctors for 5 years. Still, they want almost a thousand dollars upfront before they will run an EEG on my heart to help hunt why I keep passing out.

Yesterday I had a scare in public. I was alone, Charlie was training and I was on my lunch break at work. I went to a smoothie shop I tend to frequent when I have spare change and the shakes, because they use real fruit and veg paired with turbinado sugar. I digress. I fainted in the shop. I think if they didn't know me, I could have been robbed by a stranger, or had another ambulance called. I was super hot and flushed red. 90 degrees apparently is too hot for me to be out in now. I have these handy ammonia bars that you snap in half, and the smell reaches me even when I'm out. It's like a lifeline that guides me back through the void. It's a nasty lifeline, because it smells like cat pee, but it's a help.

My primary care physician quit on me. I have to start the hunt for a replacement now. I have an appointment on Friday to check out a new possible doc. I'm going to hit her with everything I have and see if I scare her, or if she's willing to deal with a patient that's a bit knowledgeable and frustrated with the journey.

I have had some great support this month from family and friends though! My parents have been a rock for me, and my mother in law sent me some cash support to help pay for the extra health cost. My friends Janelle, Leah, Rachel, Sam, Monica and Hollee have been amazing support too. Constantly bringing me out of my self made shell of protection made from the emotional equivalent of tissue paper and barbed wire. Thank you for being my friends. Your love is true and so much more helpful than any medication or medical help I can get. I love you!

Matthew and Stephanie, thank you for coming to our place and keeping me company. It was so nice to have a weekend away from my version of reality - to just chat and watch BBC comedy together, and to play with the pets. I love you both.

I’m oh so tired

::deep sigh:: I just got off the phone with my primary care doctor’s office and MetLife short term disability. Yes, friends, I am still battling to be covered for March 2014. I still owe my employer 65+ hours of PTO that MetLife was supposed to cover. Now the little snots are saying because the doctor’s office didn’t put my claim number at the top and bottom of every page, they did not properly receive it via fax.

I’m not even close to kidding.

It makes me want to tear my own hair out in frustration! (I won’t do that, because…ouch!...and my hair in thin enough, thank you very much.)

Today is a very high pain day. I almost want to just take a nap here at work. I keep telling myself “It’s just a few more hours…” like that tune from “My Fair Lady”. I’m almost through with a sock, but then I have to put the heels in them. It seems like with as many stitches as I’ve put in, they should be leggings for a giraffe by now! I don’t know why these seem to take so long. I guess I’m just bored with the simplicity of the pattern. Maybe it’s because I’m making them for myself. Who knows.

Charlie is doing well – at least he was when I dropped him off this morning. He was supposed to go to knit group with my mom and practice in his harness. I wish I could bring him with me today. I’d get even less done though, I’m sure. I’d just be petting his ears (if you haven’t done that yet, they’re super soft!) and teasing his whiskers to make him play with me.

Hang in there, friends. It’s almost Friday.

"Teamwork, Teamwork, everybody everywhere...

...Teamwork, teamwork, everybody do your share!"

Charlie and I were not speaking the same language this morning. Rather, we were like the great, mythical beast - the Pushmi-pullyu - one going one way, the other dragging the other way.

Last night, I had insomnia, so that probably set us up for a rough morning. I decided in my fatigue, that I would run Charlie through his paces and make sure he's still remembering tasks we haven't been pushing as much consistently. Lately he's been in the habit of laying down when asked to sit, or rolling on to his side without an order when he's told to lay down. That kind of "anticipation" is unacceptable as a service dog, and it's poor training when it's a regular pet. It's his way of saying, "Yeah, sure. This make you happy?"

So we went through his command list at random, and he did really well. Then we played really rough, (so my arm is KILLING me today) and I tried to make sure he was worn out.

This morning, I woke up to cat fights, and Charlie, in his surprise and rough/rapid retreat from the hissing and high pitched yowling, nipped my arm. Mayhem was trying to bust through the window, because Zeus was sitting on the other side of it staring at her. For some reason, I fell apart from there. I was running behind, and while I was doing my hair, Charlie decided it would be fun to take off at a run to the livingroom with my towel. Then, I told him to sit while I fed the cats, and he jumped up and knocked the scoop out of my hand. So I raised my voice at him, and broke his spirit for the day. I felt like a monster yelling at him, because he's usually so sweet and gentle and helpful. Today, he was all puppy - 110%. I forget he's only a year old sometimes, because I rely on him and he's so large. He's usually restrained and well behaved, so when he's acting like a puppy, I tend to get irritated. I know I need to take deep breaths and count to 5 before commanding or reprimanding but I fail to do that sometimes.

From that point until we got to my parents' home, he had his tail between his legs and refused to even enjoy the air coming through the car. He just laid his head on his paws and sulked. When I opened the back car door, he looked at me like, "Now what, angry woman?" and I called him over to me. He didn't want to come - I'm sure he thought I would speak roughly again - but he slowly ambled over. I pet his ears and said I was sorry, and I sat next to him on the back seat. He leaned in and put his head against my heart and sighed deeply. I leaned over to kiss his neck, and he pushed in harder, like he needed a longer hug. Sometimes his responses are so much like a toddler that it's a bit jarring to me. He walked in perfect side with me, and when I asked him to do his business (off leash!), he quickly did, and walked over to heel again. I'm hoping he's having a better morning with Mom, because we agreed that today he would be put through the paces again, because he needs to work longer and harder if we're going to make up for lost time of training while he was a true puppy.

I guess this is just all to say that even we have bad days together, where teamwork seems like the chore, instead of all the tasks we have to get through. I just want to make sure that bad days are few and far in between - and to be real with y'all that training together, while delightful and it being a Godsend, isn't perfect or easy all the time.

100 days of Summer!

Summer is 100 days of high dives, ball games, and barbecues. It’s 100 ways to dress a burger, catch some shade, or get out of town. It’s 100 chances to clear the calendar for what’s most important.

Over the course of the summer, there are 100 chances to give hope to patients in need by donating blood or platelets through the American Red Cross. Choose your day to help save up to three lives.

During the summer months of June, July and August, on average, about two fewer donors give blood at every American Red Cross blood drive than hospital patients need. If at least two more donors gave blood at every Red Cross blood drive this summer – above what’s expected – patients would be better assured of having lifesaving blood products readily available to them.

Be sure a blood donation with the Red Cross is on your summer to do list. Donating is quick and easy, and like all good things this time of year, it’s worth celebrating! Make your donation appointment today at www.redcrossblood.org or call 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733-2767).

Just another manic Monday.

Charlie was so tired yesterday from playing that he fell asleep while snorgling the ball. ;)

Today's just another typical Monday. I get to go in to work at 10 on Mondays, which is immensely helpful! Usually I have to be at work at 8. It helps because I use my weekends to recover from my week at work, and I can ease back into the game of pretending to be a normal working adult.

This morning, as an example, Charlie and I woke up at 6, and stayed in bed over an hour. I have to ease my body back into alignment most mornings, making sure that all my bones are where they should be. If I stand up without checking my legs, I could stand on a dislocated hip and that hurts like the dickens! So taking it at a snail's pace feels like a luxury.

Then Charlie took my clothes to the bathroom for me, and I poured him some kibble. While he ate, I sat by the tub and rested while my bath filled up. Charlie took my dirty clothes to the washer for me, and then I gave him a bone to chew while I got in the water. I feel comfortable with him helping even if husband isn't home, because of the ER trip. I know if I get that way in the tub, he will help me.

After "helping me" (read; kissing my feet) rest while the tub drained and I drip dried, Charlie got my brush off the counter like I asked him to. This is a totally new thing for him. Usually he gets things I drop off the floor, and the concept of getting something off an object over his head is bewildering at best. After dressing, I had to feed the cats, and then take Charlie out while Zeus ate. (A mangy stray will beat him up for his kibble if no one watches out for him.) Than we ditched my cane and took two trips down the hill to take the trash out. (I use grocery bags because they weigh less and I can do it myself instead of waiting on husband. I am very twitchy about garbage sitting around.)

After the outside tasks, it's inside again to sit in the sofa chair while I wash up and make myself a breakfast. Soon we will be out the door and separated so we both can work hard for our living.

It's just another manic Monday.

This one's a bit graphic...

I've been sitting here for about 5 minutes wondering what to write.

I'm going to be completely honest today - I don't have any idea what I've shared on here this week. My brain is tired. I really REALLY want to share good things, but my brain isn't recognizing them right now.

Yesterday was so stressful. If it wasn't for my friend Rachel and my mom yesterday, I think I would have crumbled at about 2pm, and just sat and cried until I fell asleep. My car died. I've been pushing so hard lately that March seems like a distant memory. The energy boost I had from my time off is all gone and I'm in the negative spoon and PTO wise. The Apartment is a mess, there are dishes in my kitchen sink and the pile of clothes in the bedroom is enough to make me want to light a match.

After my Mom left my apartment last night, I sat down to eat and a cat fight broke out. Our outside vagrant cat, Zeus (you remember him, right? Little grey and white cat?) was being attacked by a black cat I've never seen before. I had been messing with my new piercing, because I remember when I was 13 and got the first 2 done that I should mess with it when my hands are perfectly clean, and make sure to move it about a bit so it heals completely. Well, I was messing with it, Mischief and Mayhem launch at the window and then each other, and Charlie launches into me, making the back of the earring go flying, and my ear to bleed.

Crap.

So I yell at the girls and they run two different directions. I grab my water cup and launch outside to drench the fighting cats. The black one runs off, and I check Zeus over. Apparently he was winning. I don't know why I find that surprising, since he's brought me dead mice and last week he offered me a dead squirrel. Well, by now I know I need to go take care of my ear. Guess who ate my dinner while I was outside? Charlie? Mischief? Mayhem? My money's on Charlie, that he started it and then Mayhem bullied him away and ate the rest.

Crap!

So I throw the dishes in the sink and go tend to my ear. While cleaning it, I make the grand mistake of taking it out. Husband came home and found me on the floor. It was all just way too much - the jumping up, losing dinner, losing a little blood.

I don't say this enough, but Husband came to the rescue. I'm sure he's never had to put an earring on someone - let alone through a fresh piercing while the person is faint and covered in ice packs and sipping on a cold drink - lying on the floor no less - but he did it! My ear is really sore now. I can hear my Mom and Grandad in my head "Head like that's supposed to hurt!" lol. Good news is, it's clean and I'm going to be VERY careful to not mess with it near animals! My home went from chaotic, but kinda chill to "WHOA! RAOWRRRR!!! HISS!! OWWW!!! CRASH! BOOM! HISS!!!!Bark, BARK, BARK!!!!" in 30 seconds.

Today I've been working hard to make sure we have enough people coming in to help all the patients in need. I know Summer is a crazy time for everyone, but all the blood banks suffer in the summer, and that means patients have a higher risk of not getting the help they need. When I say all blood banks suffer, I mean it. Last summer was awful. across the state, all three blood banks were on TV, Radio and internet trying to beg people to come in. Usually by the last week of the month, I'm already scheduling the week after next. (2 weeks out.) Today, I've been scheduling people for Sunday and Monday. Summer has arrived again!

I'm so grateful for Rachel sending me Starbucks! The barista yesterday said "Beth! I haven't seen you in forever! Where's Charlie?", and when I told her that I had to drop caffiene, she almost cried for me. Either that or she cried knowing that her regular isn't coming in much anymore! haha! I told her how wonderful of a job he did in the nice restaurant last week. I'm convinced if we hadn't been allowed to practice outside and then *inside* starbucks that he wouldn't have been able to make it through the meal like a Service Dog. You see - we don't have a table at home. We eat on the couch, or sometimes I eat outside on the back porch, where I have a folding chair and milk crate I use as a table. So there's no place at home for us to practice meal time manners. I think that made the barista's day, because they always want to pet Charlie, but of course can't because he's working and so are they.

That's all for now. Hopefully when I get home I'll remember to post a picture of Charlie with his new toy from my friend "H". :)

Another day another dollar and a headache to boot.

Here I am, closing up shop on another day.

I'm still covering for my supervisor while she's on vacation. Let's just say, I can bet money they're not paying her enough! Ha! Today has been frantic and fast paced, even when it normally would have slowed down. We're already gearing into summer - all the local schools have let out. That means blood and platelet donations will be down again, because everyone will be so busy with their own lives that they leave the donating to everyone else, but everyone else will do the same. So in the mean time we will do what all blood donation centers do - brain storm and pray that this summer will be different.

I'm supposed to be going home now, but I just got a call from Husband, who has been in charge of Charlie all day. The car won't start. The battery is fine, the oil is fine. That's the extent of our knowlege when it comes to cars. I'm so tired. I don't want to be a downer, but it's hard not to be a whiner and say, "When is it my turn for good stuff to happen?!"

Mom to the rescue. Again.

Tell me honestly - is this what age 28 is supposed to be like? Because I had it in my mind so differently! I had it all mapped out that I would be working, and healthy, and actually have a savings account - that I would be helping my parents. Instead, I'm perpetually ill and in need of a hand out.

The sick day that rocked

Today I called in sick. I stayed in bed wallowing in pain, self pity and icky thoughts until 8, when I would have clocked in and been sitting as perky as I could muster in my cubicle.

I listened to my body's protest and today I refused to fake any emotion, or stifle it.

I didn't utter a word until my mom called this afternoon! Charlie knows some hand signals, and the cats were perfectly content to either sit on me, or ignore me all day. Charlie insisted I get up at 8, and he led me to the door, so I sat on the porch for 20 minutes while he did his business and visited Zeus, our homeless vagrant cat.

Then Charlie grabbed laundry, so I did a load, and then decided I wanted eggs. After cooking them, Charlie and the inside cats, mischief and mayhem, all snuggled down with me for a marathon of mind and pain numbing tv.

Now, I am snuggled in bed with them, and feeling better. I hate that I'm further in the hole for time off hours, and I hate I pushed duties onto others for a day, but I can honestly say I'm glad I did it, because I know I'll be able to face tomorrow, and I know I feel better than I would of I had kept pushing.

Sometimes it really is ok to just stop and be still, even when everything says "MOVE now!!!!"

Behold truth in action: messy hair. Messy floor. Kitty snuggles from mayhem. <3 surrounded by love like this, who wouldn't feel better and like they can face anything?

 

Lots of projects going on....

Just a grand ol' update here!

Work) I have a new boss - the one that was driving me into an early grave has been removed from the company. Our new boss is going to gain control of our group in 2 more months - for right now we have the blessing of our old boss, he's one of my friends that came to Charlie Majors' birthday party - A&W is his married nickname. (he's the w)
I have had a LOT of work since returning from my medical leave, because it seems two or more coworkers are always out.

Home) I don't really want to talk about home - I haven't been able to do many of the daily tasks that need doing, and it is not a welcoming environment right now. We've bought veggies and fruit, and it keeps going bad because I never have the energy to cook anymore.

Church) Charlie and I went to Mass, and he behaved very well! I only had to bribe him with 4 treats, because he started vocally complaning about the length of the service, and I wanted to keep him silent. Father Ray gave me a hug and Charlie a pat on the head, and said how glad he was that I came back, and it's nice to meet Charlie. That made me feel really good, because I'm super self concious that people are going to be distracted by us as a team in Church - and the last thing I would ever want to do is draw attention away from worship!

Charlie and the cats) Charlie is still the bottom of the totem pole at both my parents' house and our apartment. Mayhem will sometimes snuggle up against his hiney if he and we pretend we don't see her doing it. Smokey and Mischief have NO use for him, and will swipe at him if he gets too close.
Charlie's picked up some new commands! "Circle" is the most useful one to me right now. If he is facing the opposite of the way I need him to be, I can tell him to circle and he will adjust himself! The other main one we're working on is commanding him to go to specific people, and to hold things in his mouth until I'm ready for it. He still helps me get dressed every day, and that has become something I rely on him for! It's a really huge thing to not need that help from my husband anymore.

Chronic Illnesses) Still waiting on the %&*# Cardiologist. I can't be tested for Epilepsy or Post Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome until I see him. The Geneticist refuses to answer my calls, so I still haven't been assessed with anything official other than his observations and the "diagnosis" from the Rheumatologist. I'm still feeling very faint when I am vertical, but I'm still having to drive myself to work, because I get to work at least 5 hours after my husband most of the week. My GP took me off caffiene and I have had such a killer headache since. I'm in major withdrawal. I cheated today and got a Sweet Tea from McDonalds, and Husband FREAKED out over it. "You're gonna collapse like you did last week! That cup will kill you!"
How does he waffle from not believing me to be ill, to believing and using some form of escape from facing reality, to facing reality and being sweet about it, and then freaking out about every single thing related to the management of my conditions? That baffles me. He can pick any of those moods at any moment.

Crafting projects) I am currently knitting a shawl and another pair of socks. This month I've made 2 complete pairs of socks, and several hexipuffs for my someday "Bee Keeper's Quilt" by Stephanie Dosen. I'm feeling productive with that, so that's something nice. I can knit while I'm working, because I do phone work and my supervisor said if I can prove my productivity and professional tone is not compromised that I may continue to do so. Yay! Knitting at work. Every knitter's dream, no?
I went to Stitches South with my Mom and met some of my best online friends! They're in the Posse. I didn't have much to spend, but I did splurge and buy myself a couple of ounces of super soft blended wool and tencel fiber. I'm hoping to spin up some special single ply fingering weight yarn to make into some hexipuffs.

That's all for now, I guess! I'm sorry I don't have any pictures for you! Someone (not sure if cats or dog) ate the power cord to my iPad, so it's without any power at the moment.

The space where I knit

Recently I was reading a thread on theknitgirllls' Ravelry group with pictures of the places you craft in. Lately I've been spending all my energy at work. I spend a lot of my day on the phone, waiting for it to pick up, and I have a headset so I knit while talking or waiting to talk.

Right now I'm working on socks and Lala's simple shawl. :)

I love my cubicle. It's super organized, and it's the cleanest of all the cube world around it. I have a board I pin cute things to, including a picture of Charlie on his birthday, and a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch with a quote about how he says he looks like a horse, and people think he looks like an otter. Basically my cube is my refuge from everything...except work. Lol!

So that's my primary knitting spot!

I was sent home today from work. I spent half an hour in a blood donor chair with my feet over my head. The faintness hasn't improved. I see the doc tomorrow.

The best part of the morning...

Is waking up to puppy kisses.

Charlie and I are fighting our way through another work week. 

Soapbox time!

If you're able to, please schedule a blood or platelet donation with your local blood bank! Sometimes us desk flunkies who see daily statistics worry that everyone thinks "I'll do that next month", or "they don't really need me, there's plenty of people donating.".....there's not always plenty of people donating, and we have to avoid using all of our assets for soliciting donations until the summer months when hospitals are crippled every day instead of every other week. Make being a hero a part of your routine. If you can't give, be a champion for giving! Let others know the need is real, and yes, Mr./Ms. Smith, we really need everyone who is willing. /soapbox

Onward!

I just want to be ok

I have gone back to work and my former routine. I'm in need of the break I had as a permanent change, or I need a change in my medications to deal with it all. I'm sorry I haven't posted. I haven't taken any pictures lately either.

Charlie and I went to Mass for the first time last night. I tried to sit in a spot that wouldn't be a distraction to anyone. (Apparently it was our annual Return to Confession service) He did really well. I only had to stage whisper to him twice - other than that, he followed my hand signals for standing, sitting and laying down. The young mom in front of our pew accidentally dropped her container of cheerios for her toddler, and it spilled in front of charlie. He obeyed my whisper, even though he really wanted it, and he left the "treat" alone. Then, when it was time for private confession, apparently where I was sitting was to become a confessional for the guest priest, so Charlie and I left. There were so many people there, I knew I couldn't stand in line, and so I just left. I'm the first to admit to you I'm not a great Catholic, but God is a great God. I'm hoping he can understand and forgive me for not staying.

I've just been really depressed and depleted since my return to work. As soon as I got back, I had to catch up on everything I'd missed, and cover for a co-worker who is recovering from a double mastectomy. Then, unexpectedly, our part time coworker broke her leg in two places and is out, so I'm also doing her job. I'm not doing such a great work of any of it. On top of that, MetLife is refusing my application I submitted before my leave of absence, and I'm now owing the company 40+ hours of PTO I haven't even earned yet, otherwise I wouldn't get a paycheck. So now I'm united with my Supervisor and HR rep, arguing with MetLife that I AM eligible, and DID apply in time.

My Grandma's health keeps getting worse, my sister lost her job, my other sister is on the other half of the globe and I just want to be with them. I want to go back to childhood before my health made it so hard to move, and before I was ever depressed.

I'm sorry for no updates. I am trying.

Dreading returning to work

I have to go in to work on Friday. Ugh!

My friend Leah sent me some awesome nail polish, so I put it to good use today to lift my mood!

Charlie taking a nap while I knit and rock in our recliner.

2 weeks...

I saw the doctor today. I've been put on two weeks leave from work, to focus on my health. I'm not gonna lie, it's a hard pill to swallow to admit that all my efforts over the past few month haven't been enough to pull me through, and they also haven't helped me take care of myself. All my efforts have backfired on me, and it's causing a faster breakdown.

sigh.

I wonder if I'll finally have the energy to make food for myself. I wonder if I'll get anything done. I wonder if I'm going to have renewed energy to try again and have better balance, or if this time off is going to reassure me that I really do need to fight tooth and nail for disability again.

I've got two weeks to figure it out.

Sometimes I think I have a knack for this...

There's this horrible drawer at work that everybody uses. It's grimy, and junked up.

Today on my lunch break, I hit the dollar tree right around the corner and bought a utensil divider and two small baskets. Back at work, I took everything out of the drawer, threw it up on the counter, quickly sprayed the empty drawer and dried it off. I laid down a few strips of packing tape, and laid the dividers down. I wrote "knife, fork, spoon, straws" on the utensil drawer, and "sauces" on one basket, and "napkins" on the other. After that, I quickly sorted out what was still good for use, put it all in place, and tested the drawer....

BANG!

Nothing slid out of place. Success! And for only $2.16! A drawer that everybody needs, and hated to use is now colorful and organized. Oh - did I mention the system I put in fits PERFECTLY? :)

Broken keychains

I have been though 6 keychains this month. It's only the 6th!

I don't know what kind of evil my handbag is working on my keys in order to break the keychain fob off, but it just keep happening! I have a little pile of broken keychain bits on my dresser.

I'm at work and I'm thinking only about being in bed. My pain has flared during the night and the new round of pills I swallowed at breakfast haven't kicked in yet.

I'm aggrivated at our TCBY. It never has the Silk option for frozen yogurt, and I got a coupon for free yogurt for my birthday and so I'm pouting. Apparently my pout is lasting all week! At least Starbucks never lets me down. I got a Mocha frappuchino with soy and no whip this morning, and Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm! It's awesome. I plan on going to Jason's Deli and getting a sandwich today for lunch. I have a coupon for $5 off any item, and I'm thinking it sounds pretty tasty.

I love birthdays. I have to work on mine though. Saturday suckage. I'd rather just be in soft jimjams and messy hair, pain managed, curled up on the sofa chair with my kitties and Charlie at my feet eating a bone. At least I get to hang with my Mommy after work. We're going to go shoe shopping if the energy lasts! Yay!

I got a "new" organizing book from the thrift store. It's from the 1980's, but I'm hopeful it will have ideas that haven't been "pinned" to death across Pinterest. I'm a sucker for organization, self improvement and time management books/magazines/ideas.

My friend Ann went through surgery yesterday and I haven't heard how it went. I'm worried about her because although her personality is bubbly and her soul is tough as nails to make it through any challenge, she strikes me as a very physically fragile person. Like a bird - beautiful, but delicate. I'm really worried about her.

I feel like my keychain pile. I got stuck in an OCD/Anxiety/Insomnia loop night before last and only got 3 hours of sleep. I told husband if he put anything on our large kitchen counter I would muster the energy to beat him with whatever I can get my hands on. I was looped into sanitizing the counter, and after being in gloves with bleach water for 2 hours the last thing I want is to think about even a speck of dust landing on it. I'm so super sore from it that I think it's amping up the unreasonableness of my need to keep everything from touching it. On the good side of it, I did put the small bookshelf that's only waist high by our front door and now husband has a big basket to put all his little accessories and such that seem to swirl about him like pigpen's dirt (from "Peanuts" comic strip). I won't have to move them, and he won't have to constantly ask where his stuff is. It's just going to be "Check your basket, babe. I bet it's there."

Looks like my coffee break's over. Time to stand on my head. Be gentle, my Spoonies. Make today worth living for yourself and others!