No Job October!

So the big news this month is I am no longer gainfully employed.

I am staying on at work until the 24th as a favor to my employer, because another co-worker is on FMLA. I'm not sure what prompted me to agree to stay on longer, because I really am at the end of myself.

I had a very hard week so far, and I think Charlie is going to sprout more gray hairs.
*My car broke down and is going to take a few hundred to fix.
*Charlie hurt himself badly under his left arm, and can't wear his harness right now.
*Fleas have stepped up their game and now all our cats have them.

I am avoiding social media right now because I can't get a grip on what to think/say/do, so if you miss me - I'm sorry.

Leaving work yesterday was awful. There is no trace of me here - and everything I've worked for over the past two years seems in vain. I sacrificed self, family, fun, health and home all to be the best I could be at work - and it's moving on without me. It's just a lot to process.

I love you, dear reader. Please be gentle with yourself and try not to worry about me. I'm just going to take it at whatever pace I am given, while I try to decide what to do next.

This one's a bit graphic...

I've been sitting here for about 5 minutes wondering what to write.

I'm going to be completely honest today - I don't have any idea what I've shared on here this week. My brain is tired. I really REALLY want to share good things, but my brain isn't recognizing them right now.

Yesterday was so stressful. If it wasn't for my friend Rachel and my mom yesterday, I think I would have crumbled at about 2pm, and just sat and cried until I fell asleep. My car died. I've been pushing so hard lately that March seems like a distant memory. The energy boost I had from my time off is all gone and I'm in the negative spoon and PTO wise. The Apartment is a mess, there are dishes in my kitchen sink and the pile of clothes in the bedroom is enough to make me want to light a match.

After my Mom left my apartment last night, I sat down to eat and a cat fight broke out. Our outside vagrant cat, Zeus (you remember him, right? Little grey and white cat?) was being attacked by a black cat I've never seen before. I had been messing with my new piercing, because I remember when I was 13 and got the first 2 done that I should mess with it when my hands are perfectly clean, and make sure to move it about a bit so it heals completely. Well, I was messing with it, Mischief and Mayhem launch at the window and then each other, and Charlie launches into me, making the back of the earring go flying, and my ear to bleed.

Crap.

So I yell at the girls and they run two different directions. I grab my water cup and launch outside to drench the fighting cats. The black one runs off, and I check Zeus over. Apparently he was winning. I don't know why I find that surprising, since he's brought me dead mice and last week he offered me a dead squirrel. Well, by now I know I need to go take care of my ear. Guess who ate my dinner while I was outside? Charlie? Mischief? Mayhem? My money's on Charlie, that he started it and then Mayhem bullied him away and ate the rest.

Crap!

So I throw the dishes in the sink and go tend to my ear. While cleaning it, I make the grand mistake of taking it out. Husband came home and found me on the floor. It was all just way too much - the jumping up, losing dinner, losing a little blood.

I don't say this enough, but Husband came to the rescue. I'm sure he's never had to put an earring on someone - let alone through a fresh piercing while the person is faint and covered in ice packs and sipping on a cold drink - lying on the floor no less - but he did it! My ear is really sore now. I can hear my Mom and Grandad in my head "Head like that's supposed to hurt!" lol. Good news is, it's clean and I'm going to be VERY careful to not mess with it near animals! My home went from chaotic, but kinda chill to "WHOA! RAOWRRRR!!! HISS!! OWWW!!! CRASH! BOOM! HISS!!!!Bark, BARK, BARK!!!!" in 30 seconds.

Today I've been working hard to make sure we have enough people coming in to help all the patients in need. I know Summer is a crazy time for everyone, but all the blood banks suffer in the summer, and that means patients have a higher risk of not getting the help they need. When I say all blood banks suffer, I mean it. Last summer was awful. across the state, all three blood banks were on TV, Radio and internet trying to beg people to come in. Usually by the last week of the month, I'm already scheduling the week after next. (2 weeks out.) Today, I've been scheduling people for Sunday and Monday. Summer has arrived again!

I'm so grateful for Rachel sending me Starbucks! The barista yesterday said "Beth! I haven't seen you in forever! Where's Charlie?", and when I told her that I had to drop caffiene, she almost cried for me. Either that or she cried knowing that her regular isn't coming in much anymore! haha! I told her how wonderful of a job he did in the nice restaurant last week. I'm convinced if we hadn't been allowed to practice outside and then *inside* starbucks that he wouldn't have been able to make it through the meal like a Service Dog. You see - we don't have a table at home. We eat on the couch, or sometimes I eat outside on the back porch, where I have a folding chair and milk crate I use as a table. So there's no place at home for us to practice meal time manners. I think that made the barista's day, because they always want to pet Charlie, but of course can't because he's working and so are they.

That's all for now. Hopefully when I get home I'll remember to post a picture of Charlie with his new toy from my friend "H". :)

Another day another dollar and a headache to boot.

Here I am, closing up shop on another day.

I'm still covering for my supervisor while she's on vacation. Let's just say, I can bet money they're not paying her enough! Ha! Today has been frantic and fast paced, even when it normally would have slowed down. We're already gearing into summer - all the local schools have let out. That means blood and platelet donations will be down again, because everyone will be so busy with their own lives that they leave the donating to everyone else, but everyone else will do the same. So in the mean time we will do what all blood donation centers do - brain storm and pray that this summer will be different.

I'm supposed to be going home now, but I just got a call from Husband, who has been in charge of Charlie all day. The car won't start. The battery is fine, the oil is fine. That's the extent of our knowlege when it comes to cars. I'm so tired. I don't want to be a downer, but it's hard not to be a whiner and say, "When is it my turn for good stuff to happen?!"

Mom to the rescue. Again.

Tell me honestly - is this what age 28 is supposed to be like? Because I had it in my mind so differently! I had it all mapped out that I would be working, and healthy, and actually have a savings account - that I would be helping my parents. Instead, I'm perpetually ill and in need of a hand out.

A pleasant weekend

Husband's birthday is today! We celebrated on Saturday by going to see "Mom's Night Out". We were extras in the film, and you can catch the best glimpses of us (I stick out for sure) in the church scene where the preacher is preaching and the mom is told that her toddler's head is stuck in a toilet seat.

After the movie, we went to the local tattoo shop (the one my friends and I poked fun at because it sticks out like a very sore thumb) and I finally got the nerve to get my cartilage pierced! I'm really pleased with it. It looks exactly like I imagined. I hadn't eaten a thing since noon, and it was 7pm. The car was over 90 degrees and I ended up passing out inside the building. The poor owner thought he was the reason I passed out - but it's really whatever weirdness is going on with my health.

Yesterday we ate lunch with my sister in law, C. I loaded Charlie up into my other sister in law, M's car, and off we went!

We ate at a nice sushi place and Charlie did a WONDERFUL job! Exactly what I expect of him and his training. When we got there, you could see the server wasn't happy that I brought him in. She was very warm to everyone at the table, but cold and direct with me. Throughout the meal, staff came and went - including a bus boy to clean the table directly behind us. Charlie looked at all the action, but obeyed my hand signals and quiet admonishments of "Focus mommy." (to remind him to put all focus on me). He didn't beg for the food, or whine. When I told him to "go night night", he laid his head down and closed his eyes. He was too excited to really sleep, but he pretended for sure. I could see him glance up at me, and then return to closed eyes. I was so proud of him! It was our first trip into a real restaurant, and he did awesome! The server warmed up to us throughout the meal, and at the end said "He is very well behaved. Have you had him long?"
I call that success. We won over another doubter!
I think Charlie and I are a great team. I even left my cane at home! I know he can't bear weight, but husband was with us, and I knew if I fell out Charlie would do his job.

So all in all and exciting weekend! I did pass out again after we came home. I'm so sick of it. I feel drained after it. But - today's Monday, and I'm at work. I'm up an functioning, and Charlie is enjoying his new toy he earned yesterday at Mom and Dad's house.
Can you believe he weighs 100 lbs even?!

The sick day that rocked

Today I called in sick. I stayed in bed wallowing in pain, self pity and icky thoughts until 8, when I would have clocked in and been sitting as perky as I could muster in my cubicle.

I listened to my body's protest and today I refused to fake any emotion, or stifle it.

I didn't utter a word until my mom called this afternoon! Charlie knows some hand signals, and the cats were perfectly content to either sit on me, or ignore me all day. Charlie insisted I get up at 8, and he led me to the door, so I sat on the porch for 20 minutes while he did his business and visited Zeus, our homeless vagrant cat.

Then Charlie grabbed laundry, so I did a load, and then decided I wanted eggs. After cooking them, Charlie and the inside cats, mischief and mayhem, all snuggled down with me for a marathon of mind and pain numbing tv.

Now, I am snuggled in bed with them, and feeling better. I hate that I'm further in the hole for time off hours, and I hate I pushed duties onto others for a day, but I can honestly say I'm glad I did it, because I know I'll be able to face tomorrow, and I know I feel better than I would of I had kept pushing.

Sometimes it really is ok to just stop and be still, even when everything says "MOVE now!!!!"

Behold truth in action: messy hair. Messy floor. Kitty snuggles from mayhem. <3 surrounded by love like this, who wouldn't feel better and like they can face anything?

 

Rain, Rain, go away!!!

I planted roses in a bucket 2 months ago. I bought them, after reading the label: "Blooms in June - August. Shocking Pink long stemmed roses". It was just a bag of dirt with a thorny stick protruding.

I suck at gardening. The best I've ever done was keep an African Violet plant for a year, but now that I have cats that eat plastic shopping bags and any plant regardless of danger, I no longer have inside flowers. The roses reminded me of the ones I carried down the aisle. I had always dreamed of a solid bouquet of bright pink rose blooms, with white silk and pearls. I got my wish.

So imagine my delight when the first blooming bud appeared two days ago! Yay! I can grow a Rose!!!

Lots of projects going on....

Just a grand ol' update here!

Work) I have a new boss - the one that was driving me into an early grave has been removed from the company. Our new boss is going to gain control of our group in 2 more months - for right now we have the blessing of our old boss, he's one of my friends that came to Charlie Majors' birthday party - A&W is his married nickname. (he's the w)
I have had a LOT of work since returning from my medical leave, because it seems two or more coworkers are always out.

Home) I don't really want to talk about home - I haven't been able to do many of the daily tasks that need doing, and it is not a welcoming environment right now. We've bought veggies and fruit, and it keeps going bad because I never have the energy to cook anymore.

Church) Charlie and I went to Mass, and he behaved very well! I only had to bribe him with 4 treats, because he started vocally complaning about the length of the service, and I wanted to keep him silent. Father Ray gave me a hug and Charlie a pat on the head, and said how glad he was that I came back, and it's nice to meet Charlie. That made me feel really good, because I'm super self concious that people are going to be distracted by us as a team in Church - and the last thing I would ever want to do is draw attention away from worship!

Charlie and the cats) Charlie is still the bottom of the totem pole at both my parents' house and our apartment. Mayhem will sometimes snuggle up against his hiney if he and we pretend we don't see her doing it. Smokey and Mischief have NO use for him, and will swipe at him if he gets too close.
Charlie's picked up some new commands! "Circle" is the most useful one to me right now. If he is facing the opposite of the way I need him to be, I can tell him to circle and he will adjust himself! The other main one we're working on is commanding him to go to specific people, and to hold things in his mouth until I'm ready for it. He still helps me get dressed every day, and that has become something I rely on him for! It's a really huge thing to not need that help from my husband anymore.

Chronic Illnesses) Still waiting on the %&*# Cardiologist. I can't be tested for Epilepsy or Post Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome until I see him. The Geneticist refuses to answer my calls, so I still haven't been assessed with anything official other than his observations and the "diagnosis" from the Rheumatologist. I'm still feeling very faint when I am vertical, but I'm still having to drive myself to work, because I get to work at least 5 hours after my husband most of the week. My GP took me off caffiene and I have had such a killer headache since. I'm in major withdrawal. I cheated today and got a Sweet Tea from McDonalds, and Husband FREAKED out over it. "You're gonna collapse like you did last week! That cup will kill you!"
How does he waffle from not believing me to be ill, to believing and using some form of escape from facing reality, to facing reality and being sweet about it, and then freaking out about every single thing related to the management of my conditions? That baffles me. He can pick any of those moods at any moment.

Crafting projects) I am currently knitting a shawl and another pair of socks. This month I've made 2 complete pairs of socks, and several hexipuffs for my someday "Bee Keeper's Quilt" by Stephanie Dosen. I'm feeling productive with that, so that's something nice. I can knit while I'm working, because I do phone work and my supervisor said if I can prove my productivity and professional tone is not compromised that I may continue to do so. Yay! Knitting at work. Every knitter's dream, no?
I went to Stitches South with my Mom and met some of my best online friends! They're in the Posse. I didn't have much to spend, but I did splurge and buy myself a couple of ounces of super soft blended wool and tencel fiber. I'm hoping to spin up some special single ply fingering weight yarn to make into some hexipuffs.

That's all for now, I guess! I'm sorry I don't have any pictures for you! Someone (not sure if cats or dog) ate the power cord to my iPad, so it's without any power at the moment.

I just want to be ok

I have gone back to work and my former routine. I'm in need of the break I had as a permanent change, or I need a change in my medications to deal with it all. I'm sorry I haven't posted. I haven't taken any pictures lately either.

Charlie and I went to Mass for the first time last night. I tried to sit in a spot that wouldn't be a distraction to anyone. (Apparently it was our annual Return to Confession service) He did really well. I only had to stage whisper to him twice - other than that, he followed my hand signals for standing, sitting and laying down. The young mom in front of our pew accidentally dropped her container of cheerios for her toddler, and it spilled in front of charlie. He obeyed my whisper, even though he really wanted it, and he left the "treat" alone. Then, when it was time for private confession, apparently where I was sitting was to become a confessional for the guest priest, so Charlie and I left. There were so many people there, I knew I couldn't stand in line, and so I just left. I'm the first to admit to you I'm not a great Catholic, but God is a great God. I'm hoping he can understand and forgive me for not staying.

I've just been really depressed and depleted since my return to work. As soon as I got back, I had to catch up on everything I'd missed, and cover for a co-worker who is recovering from a double mastectomy. Then, unexpectedly, our part time coworker broke her leg in two places and is out, so I'm also doing her job. I'm not doing such a great work of any of it. On top of that, MetLife is refusing my application I submitted before my leave of absence, and I'm now owing the company 40+ hours of PTO I haven't even earned yet, otherwise I wouldn't get a paycheck. So now I'm united with my Supervisor and HR rep, arguing with MetLife that I AM eligible, and DID apply in time.

My Grandma's health keeps getting worse, my sister lost her job, my other sister is on the other half of the globe and I just want to be with them. I want to go back to childhood before my health made it so hard to move, and before I was ever depressed.

I'm sorry for no updates. I am trying.

Dreading returning to work

I have to go in to work on Friday. Ugh!

My friend Leah sent me some awesome nail polish, so I put it to good use today to lift my mood!

Charlie taking a nap while I knit and rock in our recliner.