Forgot today's #dropselfie for dysautonomia!

It's still October, so shout out to my Spoonies with dysautonomia!

Today I had a rough go of it at temp work, so I took a #dropselfie! 3 cheers for vanity after an attack of Neurocardiogenic Syncope! ;)

My head feels stuffed full of cotton wool for a few solid hours after an episode. Yay for random gravity checks on an otherwise run-of-the-mill Tuesday. ;) #dropfordysautonomia

Just a jolly jaunt to the quickie mart

It's been almost 10 months and I just ran a quick trip!

Say what?!

Ok, maybe it wasn't really quick. And it happened a little over an hour ago. 

I mean, nothing in the past year and a half has been quick anymore due to my physical limits... But Charlie Majors and I just loaded up in the car and went. I had my keys tethered to my wallet with D links, and we stopped at the local dinky grocery 5 minutes from our place.

 On the HUGE plus side, it was 30 minutes to store closing, and the handicapped parking spot was, no joke, a little less than 17 feet to the inside of the store. (Why yes, I did count the steps! Haha)

I hooked Charlie's harness up to the wallet mess and we walked in as fast as I could muster. I think he knew how I was feeling, because he did amazingly. No balking or anticipating commands before they're ordered. We got oriented to the department I needed, and we "Left!", "Yes! Right!", "okay, let's go!"ed our way to and from that department all the way to the checkout counter. I loaded our 4 items on the belt and he obeyed hand signals while I talked and it looked like I wasn't paying him attention!!! (I could have burst with pride!)

I had a pamphlet in the wallet and I paid, casually leaving behind the info. The only question I got from any of the staff was "Aww! How long has he been training? Have you heard of 'hand-in-paw'?" (They train therapy animals to visit hospital patients.) 

I faced this chore with grim determination, pretty sure I would encounter an uneducated manager that didn't want us visiting (because we are in the boonies) and was really pleasantly surprised by the casual perfessional attitude of the employees, and the amazing parking spot. (I can't talk about the parking spot enough, but imagine it: I pulled in, opened the door, and the ramp was parallel to my side of the car. Up the gentle slope, the doors slid open and groceries awaited! It was SUCH a welcome break energy wise!!!!)

Charlie got lots of love and 3 training treats. When we got home, he brought the grocery sack in and stayed with me until my heart slowed back down from an almost syncope spell.

Mama's good, hardworking boy, and yours truly.

And the pound said this dog doesn't like toys!

He made a pillow for himself after playing!

When we adopted Charlie, it was Christmas Eve. His first family dropped him off just before halloween. His adoption papers showed a temperament test, and it said he didn't like toys. I guess that just goes to prove that he was really scared and depressed at the pound. He's a very sensitive boy. One dirty look or harsh tone from me can result in a total shut down on his part.

If you know anyone considering adopting, tell them they will be saving a life. Charlie has always been a rare find, as you can't take just any dog and train them into service. That being said, if he wasn't fed well, loved much, and trained with consistency, he wouldn't have blossomed as much this year as he has. His first family gave him up, and he was scared, thinking the pound was his life from then on. He didn't understand what he did to end up there. (He didn't do anything!) Ever since our mutual liberation, it's been constant training and play, mixed with sleeping. 

He was food aggressive, never knowing when or what his next meal would be. He would snap at the cats or us if we neared him while eating. With constant work, he now trusts us all to feed him well, and on time. He knows hard work earns extra love and cookie treats. He knows if the cats take kibble, he will get extra kibble and they will be kicked out of the food area. Now if I out my hand in his bowl, he sits down and waits for me to move!

He was scared of car rides, always thinking we were going to drop him off forever. We always worked hard to encourage him to get in to the car on his own. At first it could easily take an hour to load him up! But we all agreed he needed to choose on his own and not be forced in because I can't physically correct or control him, it has to be psychological. So we'd load up kibble and toys and have one of us on one side, waiting and offering petting, and the other would urge and pet any time he made a move toward the car. It was exhausting, but now just the word "car!" launches him in, and he then circles in the seat before sitting.

He has changed so much, and so quickly that it's weird for me, thinking back.

Charlie, the week of Christmas 2013, right after our liberation.

Today, confident and healthy, happy to do laundry and just be a pack.

I can take him outside off leash to do his business, and he will return from 4 feet away. He knows when he's on duty his focus needs to be completely on me, and he doesn't wander off. He has just surprised me in so many ways - not just his physical transformations either! My sweet boy. I'm just so lucky his first family didn't love him enough. He is such a constant support to me now.

He's grown more than the almost 30 lbs. he put on since Christmas Day. He's grown into a dog almost ready for the public access test. ....but he doesn't like toys. ;)

I got my eye on you!

Charlie went with my dad and mom to their doctor appointment today! It was a success. They allowed the doctor to pet him, and the doctor said he was glad I have Charlie, and that I'm seeing specialists. That makes me feel 10 shades of validated, because I left that doctor in search of a second opinion and further diagnosis.

I had a very rough night last night, but I finally got a solid 8 hours of sleep, my husband is keeping a close eye on me, and I'm feeling a little better. Major depressive disorder is no joke - it's a beast. Getting enough sleep, managing stress, eating and drinking well and taking every dose of prescribed medication faithfully helps to disable the MDD beast. Last night it was roaring so loudly I couldn't hear myself think. Today, it's shivering in the corner, rocking back and forth while whispering to itself.

Be gentle with yourselves. Take your medications. Eat well. Read/craft/sing. Do healthful things, non destructive ones. Reach out to people when you feel like closing in on yourself.

Canine-toys-r-us

Shout out to my parents for the influx of toys!

Steve and I got Charlie the snoopy and a doll, and they got him all the others. I feel rich, having so many backup toys in Charley's supply closet!!!!! Organized, prepped for famine or feast, and rich.

I hope you get a kick out of the pictures of him going crazy over some of his new toys. He is still totally in love with the little black ball A&W gave him with his Halloween costume. (Thank you again!!!)

Jacks, the final update

I went in this evening with pamphlets and spoke with one of the managers, Ms. Gloria. She was very concerned at what happened, and super apologetic.

I took great comfort from our conversation! I feel confident after meeting with her tonight, that all future visits will go smoothly. She said she was gong to meet with the other manager, and they would have a talk with the staff, with the papers I brought in, to educate them about disabled people's rights concerning service animals.

I went in with the hope that things could be fixed, and I'm really relieved at the outcome. I shook hands with her, and ordered dinner! The staff member behind the counter said "I know you! You've come through our drive through with your dog!", and Ms. Gloria handed her a pamphlet and said "she is going to come in with him any time she wants to with him, alright? This is his picture. He's a working dog.", which made me feel like she really heard what I came to talk about with her. After meeting with her, I feel assured that no other service animal teams will have to go through what happened yesterday at that store. Such a relief!

I'm really tired now. I had to get out in the rain, walk around the car with my cane, unload my walker, and navigate a step while holding the umbrella and using the walker. My hip has been really problematic today, and I was really nervous that the outcome would be different. After all the activity from yesterday, I just want to hibernate. It's a good thing I only have 9 more days as a temp. I'm worn.

Time to rest between a snuggly cat and my 4 legged nurse's aide. ;)

Goodnight, dear Spoonies. The rain is no joke through the south right now. Be gentle with yourselves! (The barometric pressure really messes with my pain levels!)

Update on Jack's

So ... My momma reads the blog. She went to

Jacks this afternoon and spoke with the manager.

The manager was really upset that someone asked me and Charlie to leave. She said if we ever are treated in a way that makes us feel inferior again, to demand to see the manager in charge, and also that employees wearing red had no right to say what she said. The manager said the red shirts are regular employees and have to defer to a manager for things like requesting patrons to leave, and that Charlie and I were more than welcome to return.

Mom asked for the number for someone higher than the manager, which they graciously gave her. I'm not sure if I want to call them though. I know I need to face it and go tomorrow to talk to the manager myself, but I do feel a little better.

It just really embarrassed me for that employee to raise her voice and call everyone's attention to us like that, when Charlie was being awesome and super helpful. It's not like he was hiking a leg to mark or something. It also embarrassed me because it smacked of being told society didn't want us to be seen, like I could just go through the drive through rather than sit down at a table like a normal person. Charlie has been in more highbrow restaurants, so I thought eating fast food would be totally okay.

It's reassuring to know my parents still have my back, and a little disconcerting to know my mom can read past written word to see how it knocked me for a loop. I mean, Charlie and I have been asked to leave two other places, but each time it was because he's in training, and the proprietor said "please do come back when he's fully trained". It was requested quietly, and I didn't feel deminished or maligned, just that the managers didn't want to risk anything happening on their propery if Charlie didn't act appropriately. Totally understandable. They don't know us, and they do have that right while he's not passed the access test. But the woman today raised her voice and hand from across the diner and ..it just shouldn't have happened the way it did.

Anyway, I just didn't want to smear Jacks or the franchise because of what turns out to be one employee who is just scared of dogs. I plan on going back tomorrow like I posted before, just to make sure that the people who work there know the limits for working teams, that they can't ask someone what their disability is, but they are legally allowed to ask "is that a service animal?" And how the animal mitigates the disability. In situations where I'm not being so open about my health to strangers, I usually tell them that Charlie helps with my balance issues and retrieves items/carries items I need him to. Which is true, and doesn't violate hippa like level of medical knowledge. 

So I guess after work I'm going to go and try again at jacks. Cross your fingers!

So I settled for dead plants with creamy goo.

I've been up and active since 7am.

Charlie and I loaded up into the car and went grocery shopping. I had to get the staple goods like eggs and milk. We had a great go of it, and even though he didn't want to give me an item at our local Publix, he stayed behind the buggy the entire time, didn't sniff a single shelf or try to eat anything off the floor. He settled into a perfect gait beside me as a helper pushed our buggy to the car.

I was riding a euphoric high, because the pain has been minimal today, and I felt normal going through the store. It was 11:40am on Sunday, and the majority of our town was in their local churches, so not a single soul was around to attempt to pet Charlie. It was a flawless trip!

We headed to the CVS in our little college town, where Charlie's size was a bit of an issue, because he doesn't think he's as big as he is, so on the small aisles, we were in another customer's path for a few moments until I could get my brain in motion as to how to reposition us without me wasting steps/energy. The customer gave us a smile and said "what a pretty dog. I'll bet he's a real help." And went on their way. Charlie and I got wallet photos printed (because I'm out of business cards), and the manager helped us finish our transaction. He actually thanked us for coming in and using his store! I was a little surprised at that, but I thanked him in kind, for being so helpful and accommodating. Charlie sat at my feet the entire time I worked on the photo printer machine, and got my keys and wallet so I could pay. Awesome job.

Then, I decided I was hungry. I wanted a burger, and I knew I could go to jacks because they've helped me and Charlie in the past.

....Charlie flawlessly repeated sitting before I opened the door, he exited the car on command, and sat as instructed. When I shut the door and ordered him to "side" and "get it", "bring it" to carry my wallet and keys again, he did a great job. We stepped up the curb, he braced. I praised and commanded us to go left, and then right into the entryway. We still have issues with doors, because it's confusing to have some doors open toward us, and some away from us, and he has started shying away from any door that isn't an automatic one. This is the point at which what I assumed to be the manager swooped around into view and said in a loud voice, "Ma'am, ma'am! No ma'am! No, take that dog outside where he belong. You can't come in here with no dogs!"

I said "even service dogs, or those in training?"

She replied while backing away, "No ma'am! Please, out. We have one that come through the drive through, but no. Go on! Out!" (It's me and Charlie that go through the drive through)

This whole time, Charlie is looking from her, to me, and then back again. He's standing patiently, but a little bit nervously, holding my wallet and keys, and is waiting on the entryway rug while I'm holding the door.

"Charlie, come, we're not buying now. Let's go good boy."

The closer Charlie gets in his training to the day he passes the access test, the harder these scenes weigh on me. He doesn't act like an average dog, it's not like I'm trying to sneak fluffy in for fun. He's got a soft saddle so I can balance, and he is usually visually obviously doing something when we're together. I would have gone through the drive through and not even tried to go in, but it was hot and I have no air conditioning in the car. To wait for five cars to pass through wouldn't have been fair on Charlie. 

Sometimes I resent that it's my job to know the law, and sometimes I'm discouraged wondering if we will still be denied access later when he's full fledged. I know I need to go tomorrow and bring a copy of the law printed out so she can learn the limits she's allowed to enforce. I don't want her to think she has the ability to shame and bar entry to service animal teams, but we did leave because Charlie is in training and therefore she had a right to turn us away. I just need to go and make sure she understands the boundaries, like how to handle that situation in a way that legally protects her and a working team. 

We came home, Charlie got a dogsters and I settled for a salad instead of the burger my mouth was set on. It reminded me of this scene from Supernatural, where leviathans were posing as Sam and Dean:

#dropselfie

Neurocardiogenic Syncope has changed our lives.

This summer I finally found out what was causing me to pass out and have seizure like activity. My blood pressure sits at the low end of what's normal, and my nervous system has a hard time handling the job of regulating everything. When my heart rate increases, my blood pressure drops. it's means Charlie is always on the look out for another "spell".

          (This is Charlie watching me blog)

I don't want to give the wrong impression, like he never gets to be a regular dog. He runs, fetches, loves to play tug of war with strong people. He sleeps in my bed with his belly to the sky when he thinks he can get away with it. I'm just a bit morose, thinking about the fact that some part of his mind is always alert, watching me in case my nervous system crashes and reboots. I know his life is good, and mine is so very much better with him in it. I sometimes feel guilty that Charlie shoulders the load. Maybe it's this way with other service animal teams, I don't know. 

I mean - it's been such a huge relief to take the nursing part out of my marriage. I don't have to call my husband in to help me bathe. (Charlie loves sitting on the rug eating a bone while I bathe, and has no problem hitting pause to help me get out, dried off and dressed.) I don't have to croak out a call for water if the pain I carry is too much and is making me hug the white throne. (Charlie will bring me a bottle of water, and nudge all the hair off the back of my neck. Usually he'll lick my arms when I get the chills.) So I feel autonomous again, which is a priceless gift. I guess instead of feeling sad that this is happening to me, I'm feeling sad that it's happening at all and is thus effecting Charlie. He never complains about it. He's such a good boy.

Maybe this is just how it feels - reality seeping in. First it was the never failing tiredness and then pain, and then joint instability. The diagnosis of connective tissue disorder. The day I got a permanent handicap placard. Now it's knowing there's no cure for anything I'm facing, and the knowledge that this is something I can't handle alone. It's such a relief to have Charlie help me carry the load.

At least there's consolation that his hardest task he'll endure tonight is waiting on his nails to dry. 

            Goodnight, Spoonies.

Thinking of Gifting?

First of all, if you're thinking of gifting something I want to say THANK YOU!

I've been asked several times to come up with a wishlist - and I was *very* hesitant to do so, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm panhandling or that I can't take care of Charlie Majors. My mind has been changed on the subject, because every time I reply that to the person that asks, I end up getting a present of some kind later, so I'm starting to think people are wanting to give presents sometimes, and were just wanting a parameter to help them in selecting something they were trying to do in kindness - so my reservations were making a kind action into a chore for them instead of a pleasure.


Owner preferences:

All edibles for Charlie to be Gluten Free and American made. (I break out in dermatitis herpetiformis when my skin is in contact with gluten, and I have had a furbaby die from unsafe imported food products.)

No toys to have plastic bottles in them. I know this is a popular dog toy, but it blurs the line for Charlie into thinking the thing he brings me in need and later helps me recycle is a toy, which would be a bad thing.

Charlie Majors Likes:

Rawhide Treats.
Squeaky Toys (Rubber and plush toy).
Starbucks Whipped Cream.
Tennis Balls ("dead" ones from playing tennis work perfectly).
Handkerchiefs (He loves to wear them! We have: green, blue, zebra and American Flag).
Charlie wears Petsmart size clothing XXL (He has that deep chest of a Dane).

Items it would be nice to have:

A "Do Not Pet" sign like this,or like this.
A new leash (Beth's favorite color)
A matching collar that says "Working Dog Do Not Pet"

Charlie majors' first halloween...

Someone anonymously gifted Charlie an adorable GNOME halloween costume and his very favorite kind of squeaky toy! THANK YOU so very much!!! It's made me smile like a loon all day long! 

Charlie was a bit confused by the costume, because it had a hat and beard! He kept trying to nudge the hat back behind his ears, but the beard wouldn't let him push it back much. October is one of my favorite times of year, and dressing up in fun costumes is the best. I really can't thank you enough, Anon!!!!!!!

Today in pictures

(Ice cream)

 

No Job October!

So the big news this month is I am no longer gainfully employed.

I am staying on at work until the 24th as a favor to my employer, because another co-worker is on FMLA. I'm not sure what prompted me to agree to stay on longer, because I really am at the end of myself.

I had a very hard week so far, and I think Charlie is going to sprout more gray hairs.
*My car broke down and is going to take a few hundred to fix.
*Charlie hurt himself badly under his left arm, and can't wear his harness right now.
*Fleas have stepped up their game and now all our cats have them.

I am avoiding social media right now because I can't get a grip on what to think/say/do, so if you miss me - I'm sorry.

Leaving work yesterday was awful. There is no trace of me here - and everything I've worked for over the past two years seems in vain. I sacrificed self, family, fun, health and home all to be the best I could be at work - and it's moving on without me. It's just a lot to process.

I love you, dear reader. Please be gentle with yourself and try not to worry about me. I'm just going to take it at whatever pace I am given, while I try to decide what to do next.