It's hard to explain...

I'm still not getting the right dosage of my medication that keeps me balanced.

I have issues maintaining good Mental Health because of a diagnosed condition. My brain just doesn't get the chemicals it needs without medication.

It's like I'm sitting in the dark, on the floor with my arms wrapped around my knees and I'm rocking back and forth trying not to listen as my own voice berates me. I hear myself like horrible echoes overlapping themselves with snippets of memories of bad things that have happened to me/because of me and bad things that have been said. I try to cover my ears with both my hands, but then the shadows grab at me and start pushing me around, pelting me and berating me. I can't stop the flood of abuse.

On medication, it's like almost all those shadow demons get silenced. They take a good ol' knock to the back of the head with the butt end of a revolver and I am allowed to brush off some of the dust and light a lamp. There's still a bitter harpy or two in the corner where the light doesn't reach really well - and they whisper their hateful and hurtful mess, but I can ignore them better because I see they're 3 inches tall and I have a room full of chocolate and puppies and rainbows.

It's not like I'm never able to be sad or angry on my medication, but I'm better able to function and focus on positive things.

I didn't start blogging thinking that anyone I know would read it. I started it thinking "I've got to think of a way to keep people from grabbing at Charlie, and take charge emotionally." You see, my body is getting weaker and it makes me livid. Most days I wish I could take a baseball bat and swing away at something - anything - to pummel it into dust and get the anger out. I can't physically stop someone from petting Charlie and damaging his training, but I can smile and hand them a business card that says "This is a service dog in training. Please do not continue to distract. We're glad you're interested! Learn more about Charlie at: www.charlieisaservicedog.blogspot.com!"

Recently I've gotten some feedback that people I know in real life are disappointed to know the "real me".

Well, join the club. I'm disappointed to know the real me. God is disappointed in the real me. You're not really disappointed in me - you're disappointed that I don't match the mental image you painted in your head of me. So what? I'm still me - and I'm still just a broken human being striving to be and think and say and do better.

I blame myself for disappointing you. I blame myself when I do well and take attention away from others. I blame myself for every little success, struggle and failure. *shrugs*

This blog was not made with the people I am close to, or the people I am related to in mind. I'm sorry if that hurts or offends you. I chose to share it with you because you are important to me and I want you to see what I'm going through if you want to peer in through the dirty, cobwebby window. This is an online diary and a window for other chronically ill people to see they're not alone. This is for strangers to learn it's not okay to walk all over a disabled person's rights or personal space. This is for me, so I can looks back and see how my illness is changing me, and get a grip on the reality of it.

I'm not offended by anyone's disappointment in me. I'm so much harsher and cruel to myself than anyone could ever be to me from the outside. I am far more judgemental of my own self than any other human could dream of being.

I'm working on that. This year I decided I'm going to offend and upset people, but I'm also going to make some happy. I'm going to have opinions. I'm going to stand up for myself and allow myself to have a voice, because I usually stuff myself away inside until I can't take any more and then KABOOM! crazy-version-me pops out, tosses a tantrum and then I have to stuff myself all up away again.

Not anymore.

So to those 3 people who have commented to me in various private conversations, I'm sorry you're disappointed, but I'm not sorry for anything I've written. I do love you, and I hope if you ever do read this one little entry that you know we're okay with each other - I just made a commitment to myself that I would voice my thoughts and so I did. Thank you.