Forgot today's #dropselfie for dysautonomia!

It's still October, so shout out to my Spoonies with dysautonomia!

Today I had a rough go of it at temp work, so I took a #dropselfie! 3 cheers for vanity after an attack of Neurocardiogenic Syncope! ;)

My head feels stuffed full of cotton wool for a few solid hours after an episode. Yay for random gravity checks on an otherwise run-of-the-mill Tuesday. ;) #dropfordysautonomia

#dropselfie

Neurocardiogenic Syncope has changed our lives.

This summer I finally found out what was causing me to pass out and have seizure like activity. My blood pressure sits at the low end of what's normal, and my nervous system has a hard time handling the job of regulating everything. When my heart rate increases, my blood pressure drops. it's means Charlie is always on the look out for another "spell".

          (This is Charlie watching me blog)

I don't want to give the wrong impression, like he never gets to be a regular dog. He runs, fetches, loves to play tug of war with strong people. He sleeps in my bed with his belly to the sky when he thinks he can get away with it. I'm just a bit morose, thinking about the fact that some part of his mind is always alert, watching me in case my nervous system crashes and reboots. I know his life is good, and mine is so very much better with him in it. I sometimes feel guilty that Charlie shoulders the load. Maybe it's this way with other service animal teams, I don't know. 

I mean - it's been such a huge relief to take the nursing part out of my marriage. I don't have to call my husband in to help me bathe. (Charlie loves sitting on the rug eating a bone while I bathe, and has no problem hitting pause to help me get out, dried off and dressed.) I don't have to croak out a call for water if the pain I carry is too much and is making me hug the white throne. (Charlie will bring me a bottle of water, and nudge all the hair off the back of my neck. Usually he'll lick my arms when I get the chills.) So I feel autonomous again, which is a priceless gift. I guess instead of feeling sad that this is happening to me, I'm feeling sad that it's happening at all and is thus effecting Charlie. He never complains about it. He's such a good boy.

Maybe this is just how it feels - reality seeping in. First it was the never failing tiredness and then pain, and then joint instability. The diagnosis of connective tissue disorder. The day I got a permanent handicap placard. Now it's knowing there's no cure for anything I'm facing, and the knowledge that this is something I can't handle alone. It's such a relief to have Charlie help me carry the load.

At least there's consolation that his hardest task he'll endure tonight is waiting on his nails to dry. 

            Goodnight, Spoonies.

I feel a SURGE of energy!

(No, Charlie didn't have any soda!)

If I had this and a bottle of Mountain Dew livewire, I'd be set! ...I'm pretty sure I'd still be asleep right now if Steve hadn't woken me up at noon with breakfast in bed and SURGE! Today has been a very bad pain day.

 Yesterday we had to work on conquering fear with Charlie. Steve was horsing around with an empty paper tube, and scared Charlie really badly. What started out as just being bored and playing with a tube became a 30 minute ordeal of exposing Charlie to loud, random foghorn like sounds from the tube. It was a big deal. He had to sit, lay down, and also expose his belly while focusing on me and receiving praise and petting. He couldn't have his way, and the ordeal was only over after he relaxed and focused on me while what he was scared of was going on.

Fear is something a service dog can't have. If he is afraid of something, and he reacts on his fear by running, barking, biting or shutting down (which are natural dog reactions to fear), he can endanger me, his disabled partner.

Changing topic randomly: Charlie and I have been "bad Catholics". I haven't been to mass in a month! I've been so tired from working that I pretty much sleep any time I'm home, so I end up sleeping until the afternoon, and mass is in the mornings. Charlie and I need more Jesus time. Will you guys please pray that we are able to go back to church? I know we both miss it and need it. Thanks! :)

It's been a long time!

How many tags can I add to one post?!

Here's my update from this month:

I've been under a "gag order" at work, so I can't update much there - except to say "stay tuned for October!"

I went on a weekend getaway with my bestest buddy, J, and our mutual friends paid for us to spend the weekend in Orange Beach, AL with our friend Mrs. Sam. (I have a Mrs. Sam friend and a completely different and unrelated Mr. Sam friend.) Charlie got to experience sand under his paws, a cafe with dogs off leash, and our mutual favorite: a few rides on Mrs. Sam's boat!

We had such a time convincing him to get his butt in the boat the first time! I don't think we would have made it if not for Mrs. Sam and her husband, as well as J and me physically getting him onboard. When the wind whipped up, and he realised staying in the shade on the towel in "down, stay" resulted in a smooth ride, where he could enjoy the salt air and watch the waves without getting wet, he was HOOKED! The next day, I asked him: "Charlie, wanna go on the boat?" and he practically flung himself down the stairs to get to the back door, where we came in from the dock the previous afternoon.

I felt so lazy and loved that weekend. Mrs. Sam and her husband made such delicious food, and we played with yarn. Mrs. Sam let us each pick which guest room we wanted to bunk in, and my bed felt like a snuggly hug on a cloud. We got a sand castle pail with yarn and other neat goodies in it! She is one of the most generous, funny and loving hostesses (and friend) a gal could wish for! We watched their horse race on TV, and she came in 2nd place. Here's hoping she'll come in 1st next time! :D

I've made 2 pairs of socks this month...well, almost. I have to put the heels in the first pair and finish off the second sock. Progress though!

I met with a bone specialist about my limited use in my hands. Come to find out, I have up to 20% usage of them. He wants me to start occupational therapy, and if we see no improvement, I'm looking at having to have surgery on them to tack the ligaments and tendons back into place where they should be and stay. Not good. Since we know it's a connective tissue disorder I have, the doctor is really not happy about the prospect of surgeries. He said I will have to go to UAB or possibly somewhere more presigious out of state to get it done by a surgeon whose whole practice is dedicated to hand surgeries, and in all liklihood, I will have to repeat the process in some years to come.

I now have a walker - I have to use it whenever Charlie and I aren't together. I feel a bit safer with it, at least indoors, because I have somewhere to park my butt when I'm feeling faint - and I also have something on both sides of me to keep me upright. When I'm with Charlie, I know he will help me or find help if I need it, and he can now be trusted to carry things for me, so he's a huge help - plus I get a lot less pity with Charlie and a cane than I do when I have my walker. Another huge perk to Charlie is I don't have to put him in the car, he gets in himself - the walker's a pain and a half to get in and out of the car, just because I end up popping all over, and people keep offering to help me do it - which weirds me out, because uhm...I don't know them, and they're helping me at my car. Makes my brain think of those old 1990's episodes of the Oprah Show where she talks about how to get away from attackers by twisting your arm just so - and if you get thrown in a trunk to kick the taillight out. And then I hear Sandra Bullock in my head from "Ms. Congeniality" go through her routine on stage on how to disable an attacker, and I think: "Can I do that, or will I hurt myself more than I hurt them?". Ugh.

Another adventure from this month makes me wonder if a study has been done on service dog handlers. My dad is disabled, and went with my mom to get a new ID this month. They took Charlie with him while I was at work, and everyone commented to dad "What a handsome dog!", and left it at that. No one tried to touch Dad or Charlie. When my mom or I have Charlie, people come up and invade our space all the time. The creepiest and most destructive is when someone brushes up like a pickpocketer and touches one of us. It's so super creepy and unsettling! I end up being really mean and saying "Don't touch!" or "Stop touching us now!" loudly. I don't understand why people don't see that's creepy! And it's rewarding Charlie, when all "on duty love" needs to come from me, his handler. My health is pretty brittle, and I need his attention and protection. He can handle my "episodes" and get my meds or help. It's scary enough to think I could have a "nervous system reboot" and be vulnerable without society reinforcing that my body and personal space doesn't belong to me. We're not a "cute dog team", we're a "working dog team". I don't know how to handle this right now. Any tips?

Lots of love xoxo
-Beth

I’m oh so tired

::deep sigh:: I just got off the phone with my primary care doctor’s office and MetLife short term disability. Yes, friends, I am still battling to be covered for March 2014. I still owe my employer 65+ hours of PTO that MetLife was supposed to cover. Now the little snots are saying because the doctor’s office didn’t put my claim number at the top and bottom of every page, they did not properly receive it via fax.

I’m not even close to kidding.

It makes me want to tear my own hair out in frustration! (I won’t do that, because…ouch!...and my hair in thin enough, thank you very much.)

Today is a very high pain day. I almost want to just take a nap here at work. I keep telling myself “It’s just a few more hours…” like that tune from “My Fair Lady”. I’m almost through with a sock, but then I have to put the heels in them. It seems like with as many stitches as I’ve put in, they should be leggings for a giraffe by now! I don’t know why these seem to take so long. I guess I’m just bored with the simplicity of the pattern. Maybe it’s because I’m making them for myself. Who knows.

Charlie is doing well – at least he was when I dropped him off this morning. He was supposed to go to knit group with my mom and practice in his harness. I wish I could bring him with me today. I’d get even less done though, I’m sure. I’d just be petting his ears (if you haven’t done that yet, they’re super soft!) and teasing his whiskers to make him play with me.

Hang in there, friends. It’s almost Friday.

"Teamwork, Teamwork, everybody everywhere...

...Teamwork, teamwork, everybody do your share!"

Charlie and I were not speaking the same language this morning. Rather, we were like the great, mythical beast - the Pushmi-pullyu - one going one way, the other dragging the other way.

Last night, I had insomnia, so that probably set us up for a rough morning. I decided in my fatigue, that I would run Charlie through his paces and make sure he's still remembering tasks we haven't been pushing as much consistently. Lately he's been in the habit of laying down when asked to sit, or rolling on to his side without an order when he's told to lay down. That kind of "anticipation" is unacceptable as a service dog, and it's poor training when it's a regular pet. It's his way of saying, "Yeah, sure. This make you happy?"

So we went through his command list at random, and he did really well. Then we played really rough, (so my arm is KILLING me today) and I tried to make sure he was worn out.

This morning, I woke up to cat fights, and Charlie, in his surprise and rough/rapid retreat from the hissing and high pitched yowling, nipped my arm. Mayhem was trying to bust through the window, because Zeus was sitting on the other side of it staring at her. For some reason, I fell apart from there. I was running behind, and while I was doing my hair, Charlie decided it would be fun to take off at a run to the livingroom with my towel. Then, I told him to sit while I fed the cats, and he jumped up and knocked the scoop out of my hand. So I raised my voice at him, and broke his spirit for the day. I felt like a monster yelling at him, because he's usually so sweet and gentle and helpful. Today, he was all puppy - 110%. I forget he's only a year old sometimes, because I rely on him and he's so large. He's usually restrained and well behaved, so when he's acting like a puppy, I tend to get irritated. I know I need to take deep breaths and count to 5 before commanding or reprimanding but I fail to do that sometimes.

From that point until we got to my parents' home, he had his tail between his legs and refused to even enjoy the air coming through the car. He just laid his head on his paws and sulked. When I opened the back car door, he looked at me like, "Now what, angry woman?" and I called him over to me. He didn't want to come - I'm sure he thought I would speak roughly again - but he slowly ambled over. I pet his ears and said I was sorry, and I sat next to him on the back seat. He leaned in and put his head against my heart and sighed deeply. I leaned over to kiss his neck, and he pushed in harder, like he needed a longer hug. Sometimes his responses are so much like a toddler that it's a bit jarring to me. He walked in perfect side with me, and when I asked him to do his business (off leash!), he quickly did, and walked over to heel again. I'm hoping he's having a better morning with Mom, because we agreed that today he would be put through the paces again, because he needs to work longer and harder if we're going to make up for lost time of training while he was a true puppy.

I guess this is just all to say that even we have bad days together, where teamwork seems like the chore, instead of all the tasks we have to get through. I just want to make sure that bad days are few and far in between - and to be real with y'all that training together, while delightful and it being a Godsend, isn't perfect or easy all the time.

Just another manic Monday.

Charlie was so tired yesterday from playing that he fell asleep while snorgling the ball. ;)

Today's just another typical Monday. I get to go in to work at 10 on Mondays, which is immensely helpful! Usually I have to be at work at 8. It helps because I use my weekends to recover from my week at work, and I can ease back into the game of pretending to be a normal working adult.

This morning, as an example, Charlie and I woke up at 6, and stayed in bed over an hour. I have to ease my body back into alignment most mornings, making sure that all my bones are where they should be. If I stand up without checking my legs, I could stand on a dislocated hip and that hurts like the dickens! So taking it at a snail's pace feels like a luxury.

Then Charlie took my clothes to the bathroom for me, and I poured him some kibble. While he ate, I sat by the tub and rested while my bath filled up. Charlie took my dirty clothes to the washer for me, and then I gave him a bone to chew while I got in the water. I feel comfortable with him helping even if husband isn't home, because of the ER trip. I know if I get that way in the tub, he will help me.

After "helping me" (read; kissing my feet) rest while the tub drained and I drip dried, Charlie got my brush off the counter like I asked him to. This is a totally new thing for him. Usually he gets things I drop off the floor, and the concept of getting something off an object over his head is bewildering at best. After dressing, I had to feed the cats, and then take Charlie out while Zeus ate. (A mangy stray will beat him up for his kibble if no one watches out for him.) Than we ditched my cane and took two trips down the hill to take the trash out. (I use grocery bags because they weigh less and I can do it myself instead of waiting on husband. I am very twitchy about garbage sitting around.)

After the outside tasks, it's inside again to sit in the sofa chair while I wash up and make myself a breakfast. Soon we will be out the door and separated so we both can work hard for our living.

It's just another manic Monday.

This one's a bit graphic...

I've been sitting here for about 5 minutes wondering what to write.

I'm going to be completely honest today - I don't have any idea what I've shared on here this week. My brain is tired. I really REALLY want to share good things, but my brain isn't recognizing them right now.

Yesterday was so stressful. If it wasn't for my friend Rachel and my mom yesterday, I think I would have crumbled at about 2pm, and just sat and cried until I fell asleep. My car died. I've been pushing so hard lately that March seems like a distant memory. The energy boost I had from my time off is all gone and I'm in the negative spoon and PTO wise. The Apartment is a mess, there are dishes in my kitchen sink and the pile of clothes in the bedroom is enough to make me want to light a match.

After my Mom left my apartment last night, I sat down to eat and a cat fight broke out. Our outside vagrant cat, Zeus (you remember him, right? Little grey and white cat?) was being attacked by a black cat I've never seen before. I had been messing with my new piercing, because I remember when I was 13 and got the first 2 done that I should mess with it when my hands are perfectly clean, and make sure to move it about a bit so it heals completely. Well, I was messing with it, Mischief and Mayhem launch at the window and then each other, and Charlie launches into me, making the back of the earring go flying, and my ear to bleed.

Crap.

So I yell at the girls and they run two different directions. I grab my water cup and launch outside to drench the fighting cats. The black one runs off, and I check Zeus over. Apparently he was winning. I don't know why I find that surprising, since he's brought me dead mice and last week he offered me a dead squirrel. Well, by now I know I need to go take care of my ear. Guess who ate my dinner while I was outside? Charlie? Mischief? Mayhem? My money's on Charlie, that he started it and then Mayhem bullied him away and ate the rest.

Crap!

So I throw the dishes in the sink and go tend to my ear. While cleaning it, I make the grand mistake of taking it out. Husband came home and found me on the floor. It was all just way too much - the jumping up, losing dinner, losing a little blood.

I don't say this enough, but Husband came to the rescue. I'm sure he's never had to put an earring on someone - let alone through a fresh piercing while the person is faint and covered in ice packs and sipping on a cold drink - lying on the floor no less - but he did it! My ear is really sore now. I can hear my Mom and Grandad in my head "Head like that's supposed to hurt!" lol. Good news is, it's clean and I'm going to be VERY careful to not mess with it near animals! My home went from chaotic, but kinda chill to "WHOA! RAOWRRRR!!! HISS!! OWWW!!! CRASH! BOOM! HISS!!!!Bark, BARK, BARK!!!!" in 30 seconds.

Today I've been working hard to make sure we have enough people coming in to help all the patients in need. I know Summer is a crazy time for everyone, but all the blood banks suffer in the summer, and that means patients have a higher risk of not getting the help they need. When I say all blood banks suffer, I mean it. Last summer was awful. across the state, all three blood banks were on TV, Radio and internet trying to beg people to come in. Usually by the last week of the month, I'm already scheduling the week after next. (2 weeks out.) Today, I've been scheduling people for Sunday and Monday. Summer has arrived again!

I'm so grateful for Rachel sending me Starbucks! The barista yesterday said "Beth! I haven't seen you in forever! Where's Charlie?", and when I told her that I had to drop caffiene, she almost cried for me. Either that or she cried knowing that her regular isn't coming in much anymore! haha! I told her how wonderful of a job he did in the nice restaurant last week. I'm convinced if we hadn't been allowed to practice outside and then *inside* starbucks that he wouldn't have been able to make it through the meal like a Service Dog. You see - we don't have a table at home. We eat on the couch, or sometimes I eat outside on the back porch, where I have a folding chair and milk crate I use as a table. So there's no place at home for us to practice meal time manners. I think that made the barista's day, because they always want to pet Charlie, but of course can't because he's working and so are they.

That's all for now. Hopefully when I get home I'll remember to post a picture of Charlie with his new toy from my friend "H". :)

Another day another dollar and a headache to boot.

Here I am, closing up shop on another day.

I'm still covering for my supervisor while she's on vacation. Let's just say, I can bet money they're not paying her enough! Ha! Today has been frantic and fast paced, even when it normally would have slowed down. We're already gearing into summer - all the local schools have let out. That means blood and platelet donations will be down again, because everyone will be so busy with their own lives that they leave the donating to everyone else, but everyone else will do the same. So in the mean time we will do what all blood donation centers do - brain storm and pray that this summer will be different.

I'm supposed to be going home now, but I just got a call from Husband, who has been in charge of Charlie all day. The car won't start. The battery is fine, the oil is fine. That's the extent of our knowlege when it comes to cars. I'm so tired. I don't want to be a downer, but it's hard not to be a whiner and say, "When is it my turn for good stuff to happen?!"

Mom to the rescue. Again.

Tell me honestly - is this what age 28 is supposed to be like? Because I had it in my mind so differently! I had it all mapped out that I would be working, and healthy, and actually have a savings account - that I would be helping my parents. Instead, I'm perpetually ill and in need of a hand out.

A pleasant weekend

Husband's birthday is today! We celebrated on Saturday by going to see "Mom's Night Out". We were extras in the film, and you can catch the best glimpses of us (I stick out for sure) in the church scene where the preacher is preaching and the mom is told that her toddler's head is stuck in a toilet seat.

After the movie, we went to the local tattoo shop (the one my friends and I poked fun at because it sticks out like a very sore thumb) and I finally got the nerve to get my cartilage pierced! I'm really pleased with it. It looks exactly like I imagined. I hadn't eaten a thing since noon, and it was 7pm. The car was over 90 degrees and I ended up passing out inside the building. The poor owner thought he was the reason I passed out - but it's really whatever weirdness is going on with my health.

Yesterday we ate lunch with my sister in law, C. I loaded Charlie up into my other sister in law, M's car, and off we went!

We ate at a nice sushi place and Charlie did a WONDERFUL job! Exactly what I expect of him and his training. When we got there, you could see the server wasn't happy that I brought him in. She was very warm to everyone at the table, but cold and direct with me. Throughout the meal, staff came and went - including a bus boy to clean the table directly behind us. Charlie looked at all the action, but obeyed my hand signals and quiet admonishments of "Focus mommy." (to remind him to put all focus on me). He didn't beg for the food, or whine. When I told him to "go night night", he laid his head down and closed his eyes. He was too excited to really sleep, but he pretended for sure. I could see him glance up at me, and then return to closed eyes. I was so proud of him! It was our first trip into a real restaurant, and he did awesome! The server warmed up to us throughout the meal, and at the end said "He is very well behaved. Have you had him long?"
I call that success. We won over another doubter!
I think Charlie and I are a great team. I even left my cane at home! I know he can't bear weight, but husband was with us, and I knew if I fell out Charlie would do his job.

So all in all and exciting weekend! I did pass out again after we came home. I'm so sick of it. I feel drained after it. But - today's Monday, and I'm at work. I'm up an functioning, and Charlie is enjoying his new toy he earned yesterday at Mom and Dad's house.
Can you believe he weighs 100 lbs even?!

An awful weekend.

Hi there.

How was your weekend?

Mine sucked. Let's start with a little bit of back story:
I've been having trouble with dizzieness, nausea and fainting over the past month. I've been sent home from work several times, and have had a heart monitor on - but my heart checks out ok.

I hate Mothers' Day weekend. The radio, tv, all social media keep going on and on about it. I don't attend church on Mothers' Day because I've been sidelined by phrases like: "Happy Mothers Day to a future mom!" and "Your day will come, honey! Just pray harder!". I hate sitting in the pew, and the pastoral staff having all the 1st time mothers, then veteran mothers, then grandmothers with the most offspring all stand and be given flowers, as if it's a pagent. I hate it.
I've pretty much come to grips with the truth that I won't be a mom. It is one of my dearest wishes to be one, but it's not genetically wise, and also I have infertility - so I'm not fighting it anymore. Still, it hurts the worst on Mothers' Day. So I avoided church, and Charlie and I were at our friends A&W's townhome just chilling and watching HGTV and the Food Network all day.

It got to be about 4pm, so I left their place and we got on the highway to go home. When we got to the exit before ours, my hands were completely numb, and I just had a nausea sweep over me. I pulled over at the local Starbucks and tried to refresh myself, thinking I was just feeling faint again. When I felt a little better, and my hands were only tingly, I decided it would be smart to stop by my parents' house and cool off.

As soon as I turned into their driveway (only about a mile from the last stop), I didn't have the strength to put the car in park. I nudged it into neutral, and tried to use my cell phone to call my mom. My hands were so numb and shaky that I dropped the phone on the pavement and it broke open. I tried to get out of the car, and ended up easing onto the pavement to rest, with my feet still in the car. Charlie was clawing at the back door, knowing he is supposed to stay in his seat until told otherwise. My vision went fuzzy around the edges, so I called him to me, and he lept like Rin TinTin through the seats (giving himself a rugburn mark from the seatbelt), and landing like a cat over me, without injuring me. He started licking anything he could reach, and whining. When he came through, my foot his the horn. "Ok.", my tired brain said, "Hit it as much as you can and see if someone gets mad enough to find you."

"Charlie. Get help.", I rasped. He left me, and I could hear him clawing at the back door. My vision really did go out, and my hearing was not normal. I kept trying to hit the horn as much as I could. I was scared that Charlie wouldn't come back to me, but I knew there wasn't anything I could do about it if he didn't. Not a soul seemed to hear us. Charlie came running back to me, and nibbled my ear. My head was swimmy, but I rolled over to him, and he tugged my pants and got my foot on the ground. I put my arm through the loop on his Service Dog In Training vest, instead of holding it like a handle, and he half led, half dragged me to the front door. I know he was as scared as I was, because I could see his big eyes, and he was acting like a completely focused animal, not at all like his goofy self.

Apparently he was able to make enough commotion at the front door, and as soon as the door came open I fell into my parents' arms. The next thing I solidly remember is complaining that my arm hurt, and the nurse telling me that my vein blew in my arm and the iv wasn't working. Apparently I fought through the entire thing to stay awake, and had given myself a fit of hysterics, making the situation worse. The ER doctor wrote in my medical file that I was there for dehydration and depression. Have you ever heard of someone having trouble with fainting because of depression??? I haven't!

If it wasn't for my parents, my good friend Alberta and a bit of help from my husband, I don't know what would have happened to me. I don't remember the ambulance, and I don't really remember being at the ER for 5 hours. It seemed like maybe an hour to me, because I kept coming in and out of it.

I guess it's time to get a medical ID bracelet after all. God knows if this happens away from my family, I would be in a real spot of trouble!!!

I was so proud of Charlie. I can hardly believe a pound puppy can do such an amazing thing, to fight for his human's safety. When I came home, I was completely exhausted, but we have a picture on my dad's camera of Charlie sitting next to me, leaning in and grinning from ear to ear.


I tell Charlie all the time that the people who gave him to the pound were so stupid to give him up. He is an amazingly sweet boy, and so funny. I feel like I might still be in the driveway at my parents' house if Charlie hadn't insisted on dragging me with him. Every time I fell and hit the pavement, he would lick me, and gently tug forward, like "C'mon! Only a few more steps!" I don't know why he loves me, but I'm really REALLY thankful that we have such a bond now. I totally trust him to help me get through my day, and he still has so much more to learn before he's an official service dog.

I'm sorry I don't have pictures with this, and it's so long of an update. My doctor has seen me, and is ordering a Tilt Table test, so check for dysautonomia/POTS. Until later, I remain your Beth.

Lots of projects going on....

Just a grand ol' update here!

Work) I have a new boss - the one that was driving me into an early grave has been removed from the company. Our new boss is going to gain control of our group in 2 more months - for right now we have the blessing of our old boss, he's one of my friends that came to Charlie Majors' birthday party - A&W is his married nickname. (he's the w)
I have had a LOT of work since returning from my medical leave, because it seems two or more coworkers are always out.

Home) I don't really want to talk about home - I haven't been able to do many of the daily tasks that need doing, and it is not a welcoming environment right now. We've bought veggies and fruit, and it keeps going bad because I never have the energy to cook anymore.

Church) Charlie and I went to Mass, and he behaved very well! I only had to bribe him with 4 treats, because he started vocally complaning about the length of the service, and I wanted to keep him silent. Father Ray gave me a hug and Charlie a pat on the head, and said how glad he was that I came back, and it's nice to meet Charlie. That made me feel really good, because I'm super self concious that people are going to be distracted by us as a team in Church - and the last thing I would ever want to do is draw attention away from worship!

Charlie and the cats) Charlie is still the bottom of the totem pole at both my parents' house and our apartment. Mayhem will sometimes snuggle up against his hiney if he and we pretend we don't see her doing it. Smokey and Mischief have NO use for him, and will swipe at him if he gets too close.
Charlie's picked up some new commands! "Circle" is the most useful one to me right now. If he is facing the opposite of the way I need him to be, I can tell him to circle and he will adjust himself! The other main one we're working on is commanding him to go to specific people, and to hold things in his mouth until I'm ready for it. He still helps me get dressed every day, and that has become something I rely on him for! It's a really huge thing to not need that help from my husband anymore.

Chronic Illnesses) Still waiting on the %&*# Cardiologist. I can't be tested for Epilepsy or Post Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome until I see him. The Geneticist refuses to answer my calls, so I still haven't been assessed with anything official other than his observations and the "diagnosis" from the Rheumatologist. I'm still feeling very faint when I am vertical, but I'm still having to drive myself to work, because I get to work at least 5 hours after my husband most of the week. My GP took me off caffiene and I have had such a killer headache since. I'm in major withdrawal. I cheated today and got a Sweet Tea from McDonalds, and Husband FREAKED out over it. "You're gonna collapse like you did last week! That cup will kill you!"
How does he waffle from not believing me to be ill, to believing and using some form of escape from facing reality, to facing reality and being sweet about it, and then freaking out about every single thing related to the management of my conditions? That baffles me. He can pick any of those moods at any moment.

Crafting projects) I am currently knitting a shawl and another pair of socks. This month I've made 2 complete pairs of socks, and several hexipuffs for my someday "Bee Keeper's Quilt" by Stephanie Dosen. I'm feeling productive with that, so that's something nice. I can knit while I'm working, because I do phone work and my supervisor said if I can prove my productivity and professional tone is not compromised that I may continue to do so. Yay! Knitting at work. Every knitter's dream, no?
I went to Stitches South with my Mom and met some of my best online friends! They're in the Posse. I didn't have much to spend, but I did splurge and buy myself a couple of ounces of super soft blended wool and tencel fiber. I'm hoping to spin up some special single ply fingering weight yarn to make into some hexipuffs.

That's all for now, I guess! I'm sorry I don't have any pictures for you! Someone (not sure if cats or dog) ate the power cord to my iPad, so it's without any power at the moment.

Update from the doc....

So the update from the doc....I'm going to be tested for heart issues, epilepsy and post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. So not one good option. Yay. Let's home we can figure it out! I'll be honest, I was hoping to hear him say it would be fixable by switching up my meds.

Charlie and I are about to walk out the door to head to mass. Wish us luck! The first foray back into the church was quite nerve wracking for us both. Me, because I was worried he would disturb others or otherwise distract from the service, and him because he wanted to obey, but really really wanted to investigate.

Thank you all for your support this week: my parents, Hollee, Janet, jenni, and my bitter infertile posse. I love you guys!

Happy Easter

I've spent this weekend in a voluntary vegetative state. I slept from Friday night at 10:30pm until yesterday at 6:30pm asleep. Husband made me food, cared for the animals and then we watched a movie about Steve jobs, played by Ashton kutcher. I fell asleep again before the movie was over, and woke up an hour ago.

Charlie took great care of me, cuddling and kissing me awake so I would feed him and take my pills.

           (Charlie is the Easter bunny!)

Have a happy Easter, everyone!

I just want to be ok

I have gone back to work and my former routine. I'm in need of the break I had as a permanent change, or I need a change in my medications to deal with it all. I'm sorry I haven't posted. I haven't taken any pictures lately either.

Charlie and I went to Mass for the first time last night. I tried to sit in a spot that wouldn't be a distraction to anyone. (Apparently it was our annual Return to Confession service) He did really well. I only had to stage whisper to him twice - other than that, he followed my hand signals for standing, sitting and laying down. The young mom in front of our pew accidentally dropped her container of cheerios for her toddler, and it spilled in front of charlie. He obeyed my whisper, even though he really wanted it, and he left the "treat" alone. Then, when it was time for private confession, apparently where I was sitting was to become a confessional for the guest priest, so Charlie and I left. There were so many people there, I knew I couldn't stand in line, and so I just left. I'm the first to admit to you I'm not a great Catholic, but God is a great God. I'm hoping he can understand and forgive me for not staying.

I've just been really depressed and depleted since my return to work. As soon as I got back, I had to catch up on everything I'd missed, and cover for a co-worker who is recovering from a double mastectomy. Then, unexpectedly, our part time coworker broke her leg in two places and is out, so I'm also doing her job. I'm not doing such a great work of any of it. On top of that, MetLife is refusing my application I submitted before my leave of absence, and I'm now owing the company 40+ hours of PTO I haven't even earned yet, otherwise I wouldn't get a paycheck. So now I'm united with my Supervisor and HR rep, arguing with MetLife that I AM eligible, and DID apply in time.

My Grandma's health keeps getting worse, my sister lost her job, my other sister is on the other half of the globe and I just want to be with them. I want to go back to childhood before my health made it so hard to move, and before I was ever depressed.

I'm sorry for no updates. I am trying.

Feeling like myself again.

First, a huge thank you shout out to Mr. Swanson for sending Charlie a specially selected homemade version of a barkbox!!!

Charlie still hasn't finished the rawhide stick! That's a first!!! Usually rawhide treats last up to two hours only!!

Thank you!! 

--------------------------------------------

I had a visit from my dear friend JM yesterday, and was able to go to knit group today! I'm feeling much more like what I think of as how I should feel.

 Every day I've gotten up at whatever time my body decides. Some days it's before 7am, and others it's around 11, but then I get up gently, and go feed all the critters...Zeus outside, mischief and mayhem and then Charlie inside. I wash my face, and sit on the side of the tub to comb my hair, and then I walk with Charlie back to the bedroom to put on day clothes and make the bed. Charlie brings me everything I ask for (some days with only one request, and other days it takes quite a bit of coddling). By this time, the inside cats are done eating and eager to "help me make the bed" aka run like wild beasts under the sheets chasing out wrinkles and playfully grabbing the blanket as it settles down.

Then it's my turn to actually eat. I've been washing face, combing hair, and EATING every day of my leave (except those first two days. I slept). I'm very proud of this. Most days while working I've been washing my face, throwing on clothes and dealing with my hair in stop and go nightmare morning traffic. NOT girly or professional at all! And then I just sleep all weekend, leaving all the chores undone. No dishes or clothes washed, no bed made, nothing done.

 ...So I take my first three daily pills with Breakfast.

Then I sit until I feel better, but it's not so bad because I have Charlie who is willing to play gently or bring me the remote or iPad, and I have mayhem to use as a heating pad, and mischief to look at (she really is pretty....and a touch me not to boot! )

When I feel better, it's usually time to take Charlie out and feed him his elevensies (he eats like a hobbit! 4 or more times a day...a cup at a time) and maybe get his help loading the dryer, or taking him outside so we can both try to get vitamin d exposure (the lab results came I and I'm very very low on vitamin d. 1000 iui wasn't registering in the recent blood work, and I've been on it quite awhile.)

Then I am tired again, and give myself permission to be tired and lazy, because I have paperwork saying I have to be restful or I will not be allowed back at work, so I chill out and watch Charlie gnaw a bone, or we watch a nature documentary with lions or dogs. My stomach rumbles, and yay! It's a whole ten steps to the kitchen instead of a long walk, elevator ride, long walk and scarf it down because you have 20 minutes plus more walking to make sure you're at your desk on time.

I take as much time as I need for my throat to accept the food, and I'm not left feeling bruised and exhausted, because I took the time to eat each bite so I don't pop my jaw, like I do I while hurrying. It's time for the next round of meds, and I fight it just a bit, because I don't want to sleep while I'm alone with Charlie,because he's a baby and needs full attention.

After that, I might wipe the big counter and load my few dishes, and then rest and knit, or practice commands with Charlie, but at 3pm, I know to expect husband home, and when he does come home, Charlie bursts to full life and activity, rough housing with him and I know I can nap if I need to. 

That's just half a day. 

I love my career, and feel like I am helping to save lives. I'm looking forward to going back. I will be honest that I feel much more rested here at home, and it's refreshing to take this sabbatical. <3

Charlie has been busy!

I'm still on medical leave from work.

Charlie has been a great comfort to me. He's picked up all sorts of things he's never encountered before! A bowl, my iPad mini (it was on its side), an empty egg carton, a small Tupperware dish! He's been helping with the laundry, getting my shoes and practicing at curbs with me.

Charlie has also been busy eating cow bones, playing ball, tugging rope, catching his baby doll mid-air, and catching up on sleep and episodes of "too cute!" On netflix.

Today was a huge day hat left me physically drained, and I was really glad to have him with me. I wonder sometimes if he gets overwhelmed leading such an active life with me...or if he regrets picking me at the shelter. He doesn't seem to, but I am starting to really count on his help.

Here's a picture of my special boy!

He wanted my eggplant "Parmesan" (gluten and dairy free alternative)! No begging, buddy boy!

And that's all I've got to say about that.

And one of my daily affirmations

2 weeks...

I saw the doctor today. I've been put on two weeks leave from work, to focus on my health. I'm not gonna lie, it's a hard pill to swallow to admit that all my efforts over the past few month haven't been enough to pull me through, and they also haven't helped me take care of myself. All my efforts have backfired on me, and it's causing a faster breakdown.

sigh.

I wonder if I'll finally have the energy to make food for myself. I wonder if I'll get anything done. I wonder if I'm going to have renewed energy to try again and have better balance, or if this time off is going to reassure me that I really do need to fight tooth and nail for disability again.

I've got two weeks to figure it out.

Broken keychains

I have been though 6 keychains this month. It's only the 6th!

I don't know what kind of evil my handbag is working on my keys in order to break the keychain fob off, but it just keep happening! I have a little pile of broken keychain bits on my dresser.

I'm at work and I'm thinking only about being in bed. My pain has flared during the night and the new round of pills I swallowed at breakfast haven't kicked in yet.

I'm aggrivated at our TCBY. It never has the Silk option for frozen yogurt, and I got a coupon for free yogurt for my birthday and so I'm pouting. Apparently my pout is lasting all week! At least Starbucks never lets me down. I got a Mocha frappuchino with soy and no whip this morning, and Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm! It's awesome. I plan on going to Jason's Deli and getting a sandwich today for lunch. I have a coupon for $5 off any item, and I'm thinking it sounds pretty tasty.

I love birthdays. I have to work on mine though. Saturday suckage. I'd rather just be in soft jimjams and messy hair, pain managed, curled up on the sofa chair with my kitties and Charlie at my feet eating a bone. At least I get to hang with my Mommy after work. We're going to go shoe shopping if the energy lasts! Yay!

I got a "new" organizing book from the thrift store. It's from the 1980's, but I'm hopeful it will have ideas that haven't been "pinned" to death across Pinterest. I'm a sucker for organization, self improvement and time management books/magazines/ideas.

My friend Ann went through surgery yesterday and I haven't heard how it went. I'm worried about her because although her personality is bubbly and her soul is tough as nails to make it through any challenge, she strikes me as a very physically fragile person. Like a bird - beautiful, but delicate. I'm really worried about her.

I feel like my keychain pile. I got stuck in an OCD/Anxiety/Insomnia loop night before last and only got 3 hours of sleep. I told husband if he put anything on our large kitchen counter I would muster the energy to beat him with whatever I can get my hands on. I was looped into sanitizing the counter, and after being in gloves with bleach water for 2 hours the last thing I want is to think about even a speck of dust landing on it. I'm so super sore from it that I think it's amping up the unreasonableness of my need to keep everything from touching it. On the good side of it, I did put the small bookshelf that's only waist high by our front door and now husband has a big basket to put all his little accessories and such that seem to swirl about him like pigpen's dirt (from "Peanuts" comic strip). I won't have to move them, and he won't have to constantly ask where his stuff is. It's just going to be "Check your basket, babe. I bet it's there."

Looks like my coffee break's over. Time to stand on my head. Be gentle, my Spoonies. Make today worth living for yourself and others!