The end of May 2015

Charlie is doing pretty well. We've had a few hiccups this past week. One, he had a nail to split vertically again, so we had to make a fast trip to the groomer. Apparently it hurt quite a bit, because he tried to nip Mr. Jon. He really does have the best groomer though - Mr. Jon turned off the nail trimmer and said calmly "Charlie, you do not nip. No bite. I love you. Give me your paw." and Charlie covered his face in kisses and obeyed. (I was still mortified!) Mr. Jon said it was really unlike him, and that he knew Charlie was hurting.

Friday we went to get my mom's car out of the shop, and another customer had their small dog in their lap. Charlie acted as if he had never seen another dog before, and like he hasn't spent the past two years on training his special skills. I backed out of the door with him as soon as we had walked in, and made him lay in down stay until he reset. I ended up dislocating my wrist really badly and that put me in a sour mood for the rest of the day. It's still pretty tender to the touch.

Yesterday Charlie and I had to get some groceries. He performed perfectly as if Friday had never happened. (I guess even service dogs have bad days.) One of our favorite cashiers at Publix insisted we come into his lane - the ten items or less lane - even though I had a regular cart. He swapped out his sign for a regular one and had a bag boy load up the stuff onto the belt for me. It was such a relief. I usually hate accepting help, but my wrist was still hurting and it was really nice to be able to actually see the stuff ring up on the screen. Usually I'm doing my best to put everything up on the belt fast enough for them to ring it up. We got help loading the car too - and I think the teenage girl that helped us was super professional and polite. I took Charlie off duty and had him in a down stay in the back seat. I asked her if she'd like to pet him, because he was off duty now and she gave him a kiss on his forehead! I love publix. Good people and plenty of support for me.

My unemployment has come to an end, and I'm still in the initial stages of trying to get disability. I'm really worried about it. I've been trying hard to fight for my best mental health in the meantime, but I'm really fighting with all I've got right now.

I've knit a few things this month, which for me is an accomplishment! My most recent finished project is a shawl. The pattern is the Stormcloud Shawlette by Hanna Breetz, available on ravelry.com for free.

About Charlie and Beth

Beth: "My life changed for the better when a humane society staff member said 'If you got a minute, I have a dog I think would be a great dog to visit hospitals and stuff. His name's Charlie. I'll be right back!'"

Charlie: "I was so happy to get out of my cage with my buddy. He seemed so happy that I was happy to follow him. So many dogs around here are pushy and yank on that rope that humans put on us, but I was just happy to follow him. He always has nice things in store for me. Even with I was sick with the crud everyone there was sick with, he loved on me and talked to me. When I didn't feel like eating he would stay with me and pet me until I felt better. We walked out past everyone and into the lobby where a lady with a weird stick was sitting with an older lady who looks and sounds just like her. They smell a little different, and I think the older lady was a little nervous at first to meet me, but the younger lady seemed to cheer up a little when I reached out to smell her. We went into a little room with a cat tree and a coke machine and got to know each other better. I peed on the tree so everyone would know I got into the room, and we sat and talked for a couple of hours. She kept asking me if I wanted to be her dog. I didn't want to go home with my old people anymore, so I kissed her and wagged my tail. She tried to pinch my paw a little, and pull on my mouth to see my teeth. I have pretty teeth, and she didn't hurt me so I just waited to see what she would do next. She stood up and banged her weird stick on the floor and dropped it. I looked at her to see if she was crazy, but didn't say anything. There was a really loud banging on the door, so I turned to look, and realized it was my friend checking on me to see if these people were nice to me. I think the ladies were shocked at how quiet I am. Maybe that's a good thing, because I'm not staying in the cage anymore! I'm going to be Charlie Majors - and learn how to help my new human every day!"

Beth: "Charlie and I started our journey together in December of 2013. Through extensive training, he has overcome food aggression, and fear of the car. He has learned basic obedience and also service dog tasks. He has become someone I trust with my life every single day! He helps me from the smallest tasks like picking things off the floor, to helping me do the shopping and laundry."

No Job October!

So the big news this month is I am no longer gainfully employed.

I am staying on at work until the 24th as a favor to my employer, because another co-worker is on FMLA. I'm not sure what prompted me to agree to stay on longer, because I really am at the end of myself.

I had a very hard week so far, and I think Charlie is going to sprout more gray hairs.
*My car broke down and is going to take a few hundred to fix.
*Charlie hurt himself badly under his left arm, and can't wear his harness right now.
*Fleas have stepped up their game and now all our cats have them.

I am avoiding social media right now because I can't get a grip on what to think/say/do, so if you miss me - I'm sorry.

Leaving work yesterday was awful. There is no trace of me here - and everything I've worked for over the past two years seems in vain. I sacrificed self, family, fun, health and home all to be the best I could be at work - and it's moving on without me. It's just a lot to process.

I love you, dear reader. Please be gentle with yourself and try not to worry about me. I'm just going to take it at whatever pace I am given, while I try to decide what to do next.

On days that punch you in the face

Brush yourself off and say "That was your best? Now watch mine.", and keep marching on however you can.

Just now - In the aftershock of today's slap of Neurocardiogenic Syncope (aka passing out, sweating, losing temporary mental files, crying and Charlie Majors being an A+ service dog in training) my brain finally told me something good, instead of the Major Depressive Disorder barking at me. 

"Breathe in" *body tremors* "Breathe out. Good. Keep repeating that. This is no one's fault. You're going to be okay. You're not crying because of something you lost, you're crying because you're in shock, and you're crying because of what you thought you had. Normal is a lie. You're ok. Pet Charlie. Tell him he's a good dog. Tell him to 'get towel'. Wipe your face. Kiss Charlie. Lay down and tell Charlie to 'get momma's drink'. Good job. See? You're ok. You're ok."

I have to be vocal about what I'm going through, or it will break me apart. I refuse to be broken be things outside of my control.

Does the mind rule the body?

I saw a specialist today. It was 5 hours at his clinic! I lost count of how many people in scrubs saw my tatas today! haha

I think the most disturbing aspect of today was actually my doctor! (Not that I didn't find his to be particularly brilliant or caring - I did!) He sounded exactly like Leonard Nimoy.

I'll let you imagine lifting your shirt and dropping your bluejeans to be medically examined by Leornard Nimoy. (My husband said he looked like him too, only about 20 years younger than him)

How's your mind handling that mental picture and scenario? Here! Let me help!

 

Anyway, it was totally worth it. I've finally got a diagnosis to explain why I keep passing out! I have a diagnosis of "Neurocardiogenic Syncope". Apparently my brain doesn't know how to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure in coordination with each other, and I will be adding two new medications to my regimen, and salt with everything I eat, in order to keep my blood pressure raised up to the normal people's level.

I'm really relieved to have an answer.

ALSO - on friday I had a HORRIFYING doctor visit. My mom summed it up best - "You know how there are doctors who graduate at the top of their class and field? This one barely graduated." If mom hadn't lost her temper I would have been up the creek. This doctor made me feel like I was a moron, that I didn't take care of myself, that my issues are negligible and not worth attention or help, and I cried the entire visit. Mom losing her temper resulted in us getting in the manager's office, and them taking a deposition of all I was told by the doctor, including her HORRIBLE advice to stop taking my medications cold turkey. They assured us she wouldn't be working with their clinic anymore and then they gave me my co pay back! That made me feel a little better. She was just a temporary doctor for the clinic because my regular doctor has quit practicing medicine. No idea what's going on there.

So, all in all, I think it worked out for the best. The only useful information I got on friday was that my Vitamin D level 3 months ago was 18. That awful doctor said "So you've got Rickets, which is great by the way. Congratulations."

Another day another dollar and a headache to boot.

Here I am, closing up shop on another day.

I'm still covering for my supervisor while she's on vacation. Let's just say, I can bet money they're not paying her enough! Ha! Today has been frantic and fast paced, even when it normally would have slowed down. We're already gearing into summer - all the local schools have let out. That means blood and platelet donations will be down again, because everyone will be so busy with their own lives that they leave the donating to everyone else, but everyone else will do the same. So in the mean time we will do what all blood donation centers do - brain storm and pray that this summer will be different.

I'm supposed to be going home now, but I just got a call from Husband, who has been in charge of Charlie all day. The car won't start. The battery is fine, the oil is fine. That's the extent of our knowlege when it comes to cars. I'm so tired. I don't want to be a downer, but it's hard not to be a whiner and say, "When is it my turn for good stuff to happen?!"

Mom to the rescue. Again.

Tell me honestly - is this what age 28 is supposed to be like? Because I had it in my mind so differently! I had it all mapped out that I would be working, and healthy, and actually have a savings account - that I would be helping my parents. Instead, I'm perpetually ill and in need of a hand out.

A pleasant weekend

Husband's birthday is today! We celebrated on Saturday by going to see "Mom's Night Out". We were extras in the film, and you can catch the best glimpses of us (I stick out for sure) in the church scene where the preacher is preaching and the mom is told that her toddler's head is stuck in a toilet seat.

After the movie, we went to the local tattoo shop (the one my friends and I poked fun at because it sticks out like a very sore thumb) and I finally got the nerve to get my cartilage pierced! I'm really pleased with it. It looks exactly like I imagined. I hadn't eaten a thing since noon, and it was 7pm. The car was over 90 degrees and I ended up passing out inside the building. The poor owner thought he was the reason I passed out - but it's really whatever weirdness is going on with my health.

Yesterday we ate lunch with my sister in law, C. I loaded Charlie up into my other sister in law, M's car, and off we went!

We ate at a nice sushi place and Charlie did a WONDERFUL job! Exactly what I expect of him and his training. When we got there, you could see the server wasn't happy that I brought him in. She was very warm to everyone at the table, but cold and direct with me. Throughout the meal, staff came and went - including a bus boy to clean the table directly behind us. Charlie looked at all the action, but obeyed my hand signals and quiet admonishments of "Focus mommy." (to remind him to put all focus on me). He didn't beg for the food, or whine. When I told him to "go night night", he laid his head down and closed his eyes. He was too excited to really sleep, but he pretended for sure. I could see him glance up at me, and then return to closed eyes. I was so proud of him! It was our first trip into a real restaurant, and he did awesome! The server warmed up to us throughout the meal, and at the end said "He is very well behaved. Have you had him long?"
I call that success. We won over another doubter!
I think Charlie and I are a great team. I even left my cane at home! I know he can't bear weight, but husband was with us, and I knew if I fell out Charlie would do his job.

So all in all and exciting weekend! I did pass out again after we came home. I'm so sick of it. I feel drained after it. But - today's Monday, and I'm at work. I'm up an functioning, and Charlie is enjoying his new toy he earned yesterday at Mom and Dad's house.
Can you believe he weighs 100 lbs even?!

An awful weekend.

Hi there.

How was your weekend?

Mine sucked. Let's start with a little bit of back story:
I've been having trouble with dizzieness, nausea and fainting over the past month. I've been sent home from work several times, and have had a heart monitor on - but my heart checks out ok.

I hate Mothers' Day weekend. The radio, tv, all social media keep going on and on about it. I don't attend church on Mothers' Day because I've been sidelined by phrases like: "Happy Mothers Day to a future mom!" and "Your day will come, honey! Just pray harder!". I hate sitting in the pew, and the pastoral staff having all the 1st time mothers, then veteran mothers, then grandmothers with the most offspring all stand and be given flowers, as if it's a pagent. I hate it.
I've pretty much come to grips with the truth that I won't be a mom. It is one of my dearest wishes to be one, but it's not genetically wise, and also I have infertility - so I'm not fighting it anymore. Still, it hurts the worst on Mothers' Day. So I avoided church, and Charlie and I were at our friends A&W's townhome just chilling and watching HGTV and the Food Network all day.

It got to be about 4pm, so I left their place and we got on the highway to go home. When we got to the exit before ours, my hands were completely numb, and I just had a nausea sweep over me. I pulled over at the local Starbucks and tried to refresh myself, thinking I was just feeling faint again. When I felt a little better, and my hands were only tingly, I decided it would be smart to stop by my parents' house and cool off.

As soon as I turned into their driveway (only about a mile from the last stop), I didn't have the strength to put the car in park. I nudged it into neutral, and tried to use my cell phone to call my mom. My hands were so numb and shaky that I dropped the phone on the pavement and it broke open. I tried to get out of the car, and ended up easing onto the pavement to rest, with my feet still in the car. Charlie was clawing at the back door, knowing he is supposed to stay in his seat until told otherwise. My vision went fuzzy around the edges, so I called him to me, and he lept like Rin TinTin through the seats (giving himself a rugburn mark from the seatbelt), and landing like a cat over me, without injuring me. He started licking anything he could reach, and whining. When he came through, my foot his the horn. "Ok.", my tired brain said, "Hit it as much as you can and see if someone gets mad enough to find you."

"Charlie. Get help.", I rasped. He left me, and I could hear him clawing at the back door. My vision really did go out, and my hearing was not normal. I kept trying to hit the horn as much as I could. I was scared that Charlie wouldn't come back to me, but I knew there wasn't anything I could do about it if he didn't. Not a soul seemed to hear us. Charlie came running back to me, and nibbled my ear. My head was swimmy, but I rolled over to him, and he tugged my pants and got my foot on the ground. I put my arm through the loop on his Service Dog In Training vest, instead of holding it like a handle, and he half led, half dragged me to the front door. I know he was as scared as I was, because I could see his big eyes, and he was acting like a completely focused animal, not at all like his goofy self.

Apparently he was able to make enough commotion at the front door, and as soon as the door came open I fell into my parents' arms. The next thing I solidly remember is complaining that my arm hurt, and the nurse telling me that my vein blew in my arm and the iv wasn't working. Apparently I fought through the entire thing to stay awake, and had given myself a fit of hysterics, making the situation worse. The ER doctor wrote in my medical file that I was there for dehydration and depression. Have you ever heard of someone having trouble with fainting because of depression??? I haven't!

If it wasn't for my parents, my good friend Alberta and a bit of help from my husband, I don't know what would have happened to me. I don't remember the ambulance, and I don't really remember being at the ER for 5 hours. It seemed like maybe an hour to me, because I kept coming in and out of it.

I guess it's time to get a medical ID bracelet after all. God knows if this happens away from my family, I would be in a real spot of trouble!!!

I was so proud of Charlie. I can hardly believe a pound puppy can do such an amazing thing, to fight for his human's safety. When I came home, I was completely exhausted, but we have a picture on my dad's camera of Charlie sitting next to me, leaning in and grinning from ear to ear.


I tell Charlie all the time that the people who gave him to the pound were so stupid to give him up. He is an amazingly sweet boy, and so funny. I feel like I might still be in the driveway at my parents' house if Charlie hadn't insisted on dragging me with him. Every time I fell and hit the pavement, he would lick me, and gently tug forward, like "C'mon! Only a few more steps!" I don't know why he loves me, but I'm really REALLY thankful that we have such a bond now. I totally trust him to help me get through my day, and he still has so much more to learn before he's an official service dog.

I'm sorry I don't have pictures with this, and it's so long of an update. My doctor has seen me, and is ordering a Tilt Table test, so check for dysautonomia/POTS. Until later, I remain your Beth.

Lots of projects going on....

Just a grand ol' update here!

Work) I have a new boss - the one that was driving me into an early grave has been removed from the company. Our new boss is going to gain control of our group in 2 more months - for right now we have the blessing of our old boss, he's one of my friends that came to Charlie Majors' birthday party - A&W is his married nickname. (he's the w)
I have had a LOT of work since returning from my medical leave, because it seems two or more coworkers are always out.

Home) I don't really want to talk about home - I haven't been able to do many of the daily tasks that need doing, and it is not a welcoming environment right now. We've bought veggies and fruit, and it keeps going bad because I never have the energy to cook anymore.

Church) Charlie and I went to Mass, and he behaved very well! I only had to bribe him with 4 treats, because he started vocally complaning about the length of the service, and I wanted to keep him silent. Father Ray gave me a hug and Charlie a pat on the head, and said how glad he was that I came back, and it's nice to meet Charlie. That made me feel really good, because I'm super self concious that people are going to be distracted by us as a team in Church - and the last thing I would ever want to do is draw attention away from worship!

Charlie and the cats) Charlie is still the bottom of the totem pole at both my parents' house and our apartment. Mayhem will sometimes snuggle up against his hiney if he and we pretend we don't see her doing it. Smokey and Mischief have NO use for him, and will swipe at him if he gets too close.
Charlie's picked up some new commands! "Circle" is the most useful one to me right now. If he is facing the opposite of the way I need him to be, I can tell him to circle and he will adjust himself! The other main one we're working on is commanding him to go to specific people, and to hold things in his mouth until I'm ready for it. He still helps me get dressed every day, and that has become something I rely on him for! It's a really huge thing to not need that help from my husband anymore.

Chronic Illnesses) Still waiting on the %&*# Cardiologist. I can't be tested for Epilepsy or Post Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome until I see him. The Geneticist refuses to answer my calls, so I still haven't been assessed with anything official other than his observations and the "diagnosis" from the Rheumatologist. I'm still feeling very faint when I am vertical, but I'm still having to drive myself to work, because I get to work at least 5 hours after my husband most of the week. My GP took me off caffiene and I have had such a killer headache since. I'm in major withdrawal. I cheated today and got a Sweet Tea from McDonalds, and Husband FREAKED out over it. "You're gonna collapse like you did last week! That cup will kill you!"
How does he waffle from not believing me to be ill, to believing and using some form of escape from facing reality, to facing reality and being sweet about it, and then freaking out about every single thing related to the management of my conditions? That baffles me. He can pick any of those moods at any moment.

Crafting projects) I am currently knitting a shawl and another pair of socks. This month I've made 2 complete pairs of socks, and several hexipuffs for my someday "Bee Keeper's Quilt" by Stephanie Dosen. I'm feeling productive with that, so that's something nice. I can knit while I'm working, because I do phone work and my supervisor said if I can prove my productivity and professional tone is not compromised that I may continue to do so. Yay! Knitting at work. Every knitter's dream, no?
I went to Stitches South with my Mom and met some of my best online friends! They're in the Posse. I didn't have much to spend, but I did splurge and buy myself a couple of ounces of super soft blended wool and tencel fiber. I'm hoping to spin up some special single ply fingering weight yarn to make into some hexipuffs.

That's all for now, I guess! I'm sorry I don't have any pictures for you! Someone (not sure if cats or dog) ate the power cord to my iPad, so it's without any power at the moment.

I just want to be ok

I have gone back to work and my former routine. I'm in need of the break I had as a permanent change, or I need a change in my medications to deal with it all. I'm sorry I haven't posted. I haven't taken any pictures lately either.

Charlie and I went to Mass for the first time last night. I tried to sit in a spot that wouldn't be a distraction to anyone. (Apparently it was our annual Return to Confession service) He did really well. I only had to stage whisper to him twice - other than that, he followed my hand signals for standing, sitting and laying down. The young mom in front of our pew accidentally dropped her container of cheerios for her toddler, and it spilled in front of charlie. He obeyed my whisper, even though he really wanted it, and he left the "treat" alone. Then, when it was time for private confession, apparently where I was sitting was to become a confessional for the guest priest, so Charlie and I left. There were so many people there, I knew I couldn't stand in line, and so I just left. I'm the first to admit to you I'm not a great Catholic, but God is a great God. I'm hoping he can understand and forgive me for not staying.

I've just been really depressed and depleted since my return to work. As soon as I got back, I had to catch up on everything I'd missed, and cover for a co-worker who is recovering from a double mastectomy. Then, unexpectedly, our part time coworker broke her leg in two places and is out, so I'm also doing her job. I'm not doing such a great work of any of it. On top of that, MetLife is refusing my application I submitted before my leave of absence, and I'm now owing the company 40+ hours of PTO I haven't even earned yet, otherwise I wouldn't get a paycheck. So now I'm united with my Supervisor and HR rep, arguing with MetLife that I AM eligible, and DID apply in time.

My Grandma's health keeps getting worse, my sister lost her job, my other sister is on the other half of the globe and I just want to be with them. I want to go back to childhood before my health made it so hard to move, and before I was ever depressed.

I'm sorry for no updates. I am trying.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

And one of my daily affirmations

2 weeks...

I saw the doctor today. I've been put on two weeks leave from work, to focus on my health. I'm not gonna lie, it's a hard pill to swallow to admit that all my efforts over the past few month haven't been enough to pull me through, and they also haven't helped me take care of myself. All my efforts have backfired on me, and it's causing a faster breakdown.

sigh.

I wonder if I'll finally have the energy to make food for myself. I wonder if I'll get anything done. I wonder if I'm going to have renewed energy to try again and have better balance, or if this time off is going to reassure me that I really do need to fight tooth and nail for disability again.

I've got two weeks to figure it out.

The fight for "Control" and "Normal"

I'm paying for the long weekend excursion of the Birthday party.

It's not pretty.

For the first time ever I've given in to the pain and I'm wearing my bulky white "LOOK AT ME!!!!" cervical collar at work. Learning to honor my body's limitations is a biotch. I constantly juggle pride, pain, need and wants all in the effort to achieve "Control" and "Normal". I read an awesome article that related chronic illness and embarrassment and it sums it up in a very healthy way. (http://chroniccurve.tumblr.com/post/15070372449/embarrassment-and-chronic-illness)

I came in to work, pulled up in the parking lot and all I could remember was the fight I had with myself the first time I used my cane in the work place:

Brain: "Everyone's going to stare at you."
Beth: "They won't stare for more than a moment in shock."
Brain: "They're going to want to know what happened. If you were in an accident. They're going to be nosy and you'll have to answer them all."
Beth: "They're going to be curious and worried for me. They're not going to be nosy. I'll just have to tell them.
Brain: "You know it's not fair that you have to advocate everywhere you go. Just keep the cane in the car. You only wobble a bit, the pain is nothing. You've hidden pain before. You haven't fallen this week. You can just keep it in the car."
Beth: "Bite me. I'm going in."


When I got inside, of course I clocked in as fast as I could, used the least used hallways, ducked into bathrooms when I heard footfalls and finally arrived at my cubicle. I was able to get by without a single comment for all of 30 minutes.

People are naturally curious. It's not a sin or a shortcoming. It's a gift. It helps us check into the softer side of our nature with compassion or to analyze problems. Sometimes curiosity leads to great discoveries.

It's hard to choke back pride and the desire for self resiliance when your body is failing you though. It's hard to push on with bravado when you don't want anyone to pry. The first encounter with someone commenting on my cane was a trusted friend at work and he saw me walking from up ahead of him. "I don't like that, Ms. Beth!" he called out. I answered as cockily as I could with a wink: "Nobody asked you. I love the butterfly design." (He only meant he didn't like that my illness was affecting me so much.)

I'm constantly facing the truth that I can't really fight for "Normal" and "Control". It will burn me faster than jumping into a bonfire. I battled the choice to get a service dog for so long I've driven everyone I know to the brink of their ability to be patient with my waffling back and forth! And then it was: "Do I go with this agency? Do you think we can go without one? Can we afford a dog? Will work allow it, or will they find a way to phase out my job posistion (like what happened to a dear friend)?"

Every single day is full of choices. Sometimes I get so freaking sick of all the 50/50 of my life. Today's choice was unbearable pain in my neck, or open myself up to comments and concern but be in less pain. I chose less pain.

I'm the farthest thing from a role model, but Spoonies, PLEASE choose in favor of honoring your health - be it mental or physical. Otherwise your body/mind will beat you to a pulp. I promise the comments and concern sting less than the flames of a bonfire that will burn around you if you chase "Normal" or being in "Control".

About time!

I used to be a completely organized and prompt person. You could set a watch by me. I've noticed as my health declines down its slow slope that more and more I resemble the White Rabbit from "Alice In Wonderland".

Try as I might, it takes me such a long time to get going! Say for example that I have to be at work at 8am. I wake up at 5:30 - 6:00am, shower, rest, feed the cats and Charlie, get dressed, rest, dress Charlie, potty Charlie, clean up after him, start loading the car - first him, then go get his bag, then get my purse, then get my lunchbag. Drive 6 miles, drop off Charlie so he can learn tasks while I'm at work, then it's traffic and work. If I'm lucky my trip that is only 30 miles from my front door to cubicle only takes 1 1/2 hours. Most days I'm 5 minutes late to work.

I used to be the model of perfection when it came to being on time, having everything ready. I'm having to push my body for even the small things and it's frustrating.

I feel like I'm a live action infomercial person...you know...the one that can't do simple things right. I don't know how to make it better. I wish there had been a handbook for becoming disabled. Like the book given to the couple who died in Beetlejuice! I guess this is just a whiny post, but I hope it's helpful to someone who is new to being a Spoonie: EVERYTHING will take extra time. It WILL be frustrating. I know I can keep fighting and trying to improve. But I'm allowing myself a day to wallow in it and say "UGH!!!!!"

And that's okay.

The question of the day!

Charlie hasn't excercised enough this week. He's been completely uninterested and unwilling to "play" his tasks he's learning. When husband finally got home from work today, I set out to get Charlie into the car. We were interrupted by a neighbor, and Charlie was very hard to handle. Sometimes when I'm writing about him I feel like I'm making excuses or something, but he is still very much a puppy. There is potential, and he has the brute strength I'll need from him, but his size makes people think "wow. He needs training! How can that gimpy girl control such a big dog?"

When Charlie has had excercise and enough time to be a full on dog, he is such a pleasure to work with! And honestly, he's not a machine. We all have off days. I'm so tired, and so very sore from the snow ordeal this week, that I could have easily snapped and popped him on his butt, but that would only instill fear and lack of trust. I don't care if I have to repeat a command hundreds of times. I'm not going to spank unless Charlie is putting himself in danger, or attempting to bite (which he hasn't done just for the record). I'm just saying I don't spank. He's stubborn, but smart dogs have that streak in them. It's like dealing with a toddler, you just have to be consistent, kind and more stubborn than the child! Lol

So my neighbor's question was repeated at the dog park: "wow! Your dog sure is getting big. I see he's not listening very well. Is he a help at all yet, or are you taking him back to where you got him?"

My brain launched into a tirade: No. Charlie majors belongs with me. Period.

He has been a huge help to me! And he's only a PUPPY. I realize we can be quite a scene to watch when I'm tired and he's wired, but we belong together. Everybody has off days...even my dog. And that is normal. I'm throwing a LOT his way, and he keeps rolling with the punches. I've only had him a little over a month. In that time he's learned to obey 4 people and live peacefully with 5 cats he wants to hug and kiss and play with. He's learned "side" and "heel", he can get, give, drop what I ask him to (we're working on consistency), and he lines up at curbs and steps and waits for me until I'm down the step. He walks with a slack leash almost all the time, and he has only had accidents at our friends' house and once here at home (in fairness to him, we didn't listen when he alerted and he lost control, it's not like her actively sought a place to do it). He gets in and out of the car on command and is learning to nudge doors open.

So, my answer was and is "today we're both worn thin. He's coming along nicely, and has been a great help. I hope you have a good day!"

Love to you, my people!

Trying to be able bodied...

Man, I feel like a dope.

I came to my parents' house, and lost my keys in the hurry of getting me and Charlie all together. I decided while they visited with their friend _______ that I would tell Charlie to sit! stay! And just go find my keys..... 

He obeyed and if I had been less independent I wouldn't have fallen and given myself a gorgeous plum and blueberry bruise on my kneecap. Charlie said "aw, mom! I told you so!" And gave me kisses.

Mom gave me arnica and peas in a towel, and Charlie got a bone from petsmart.

Word to the independent minded newly minted gimp who wants to still be independent and able bodied.......ask for help or use the help you have and don't be stubborn and stupid like me. The pain is NOT worth the illusion of independence.