#dropselfie

Neurocardiogenic Syncope has changed our lives.

This summer I finally found out what was causing me to pass out and have seizure like activity. My blood pressure sits at the low end of what's normal, and my nervous system has a hard time handling the job of regulating everything. When my heart rate increases, my blood pressure drops. it's means Charlie is always on the look out for another "spell".

          (This is Charlie watching me blog)

I don't want to give the wrong impression, like he never gets to be a regular dog. He runs, fetches, loves to play tug of war with strong people. He sleeps in my bed with his belly to the sky when he thinks he can get away with it. I'm just a bit morose, thinking about the fact that some part of his mind is always alert, watching me in case my nervous system crashes and reboots. I know his life is good, and mine is so very much better with him in it. I sometimes feel guilty that Charlie shoulders the load. Maybe it's this way with other service animal teams, I don't know. 

I mean - it's been such a huge relief to take the nursing part out of my marriage. I don't have to call my husband in to help me bathe. (Charlie loves sitting on the rug eating a bone while I bathe, and has no problem hitting pause to help me get out, dried off and dressed.) I don't have to croak out a call for water if the pain I carry is too much and is making me hug the white throne. (Charlie will bring me a bottle of water, and nudge all the hair off the back of my neck. Usually he'll lick my arms when I get the chills.) So I feel autonomous again, which is a priceless gift. I guess instead of feeling sad that this is happening to me, I'm feeling sad that it's happening at all and is thus effecting Charlie. He never complains about it. He's such a good boy.

Maybe this is just how it feels - reality seeping in. First it was the never failing tiredness and then pain, and then joint instability. The diagnosis of connective tissue disorder. The day I got a permanent handicap placard. Now it's knowing there's no cure for anything I'm facing, and the knowledge that this is something I can't handle alone. It's such a relief to have Charlie help me carry the load.

At least there's consolation that his hardest task he'll endure tonight is waiting on his nails to dry. 

            Goodnight, Spoonies.