November 2014 to today

Disability denied. Apparently I'm fully qualified to be a unicorn groomer, hogwarts express train conductor, or sea monkey circus coordinator. 

I will not lie, I am down. I am tired of fighting and I am lacking hope.

I have amazing friends that are trying hard to be encouraging and supportive, which I appreciate. I love you all.

The end of May 2015

Charlie is doing pretty well. We've had a few hiccups this past week. One, he had a nail to split vertically again, so we had to make a fast trip to the groomer. Apparently it hurt quite a bit, because he tried to nip Mr. Jon. He really does have the best groomer though - Mr. Jon turned off the nail trimmer and said calmly "Charlie, you do not nip. No bite. I love you. Give me your paw." and Charlie covered his face in kisses and obeyed. (I was still mortified!) Mr. Jon said it was really unlike him, and that he knew Charlie was hurting.

Friday we went to get my mom's car out of the shop, and another customer had their small dog in their lap. Charlie acted as if he had never seen another dog before, and like he hasn't spent the past two years on training his special skills. I backed out of the door with him as soon as we had walked in, and made him lay in down stay until he reset. I ended up dislocating my wrist really badly and that put me in a sour mood for the rest of the day. It's still pretty tender to the touch.

Yesterday Charlie and I had to get some groceries. He performed perfectly as if Friday had never happened. (I guess even service dogs have bad days.) One of our favorite cashiers at Publix insisted we come into his lane - the ten items or less lane - even though I had a regular cart. He swapped out his sign for a regular one and had a bag boy load up the stuff onto the belt for me. It was such a relief. I usually hate accepting help, but my wrist was still hurting and it was really nice to be able to actually see the stuff ring up on the screen. Usually I'm doing my best to put everything up on the belt fast enough for them to ring it up. We got help loading the car too - and I think the teenage girl that helped us was super professional and polite. I took Charlie off duty and had him in a down stay in the back seat. I asked her if she'd like to pet him, because he was off duty now and she gave him a kiss on his forehead! I love publix. Good people and plenty of support for me.

My unemployment has come to an end, and I'm still in the initial stages of trying to get disability. I'm really worried about it. I've been trying hard to fight for my best mental health in the meantime, but I'm really fighting with all I've got right now.

I've knit a few things this month, which for me is an accomplishment! My most recent finished project is a shawl. The pattern is the Stormcloud Shawlette by Hanna Breetz, available on ravelry.com for free.

Charlie had his checkup and is heartworm free. <3

The hermit lifestyle

I have been hiding out. I went to stitches south, we returned on Sunday afternoon and then I didn't leave the apartment except to go to knit group on Thursday morning. I ran to the local grocery shop on Sunday morning. I haven't gone to church or visited anyone. I haven't wanted to.

Charlie is itching for interaction. He's done a lot around the apartment lately. Yesterday he got a bath. He usually hates water, but I think he wanted a bath. Poor baby has been so itchy with that winter fur shedding.

My roses have bloomed. I've already cut three off to put in vases, and now two more are ready for that.

I finished my beekeepers quilt throw blanket. Mayhem loves it.

That's me at stitches south, we brought both walkers so my mom would also have somewhere to rest when I had to stop. We stayed in the fiddlers inn, which as it turns out was really familiar to my mom....because she watches "hotel impossible". We ended up watching episode nine of season one while staying there. :) that will be a fun memory to look back on for a good long while.

"Flash your stash" 2015

So there's this thing on Ravelry where you take a picture of all your yarn collection and show it off. I figured I'd join in, as its a good excuse to empty the closet and reorganize.

That is a queen sized bed. The picture shows all my WIPs (works in progress). The only active ones are the very top right corner - I am piecing together my Beekeeper's Quilt, and the bottom left corner, I'm working on a black and purple hat. 

Same bed. Top left is my silk blends, top right is all my cotton yarn. Middle left is my "too special to know what to make it into", middle right is my handspun yarn I made on my drop spindle. Bottom left is acrylic, tiny pile on bottom/middle row is my bulky wool, and finally bottom right is my worsted wool.

Final photo is my fingering weight yarn and in the boxes you can see yarn set aside for projects I want to tackle with that specific yarn and pattern.

I didn't take a picture of my inherited SABLE (stash acquired beyond life expectancy) or my spinning fiber, as I haven't added to them or used out of them in more than one year's time.

Sigh

I have had nothing to say in over a month.

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It's Holy Week and I am feeling neither holy nor hopeful. The depression has been heavy like an anvil. I haven't wanted to take care of myself. I haven't wanted to reach out and communicate. I've just hidden away. Every now and then I poked my head out and posted on Facebook, but I'm so down that the tiniest comments in the negative cause bouts of crying.

I bought a new rose bush. It's supposed to be very dark roses. It's called "black rose", but even I can see it's a dark red. 

I got new gnomes.

I turned 29 and Charlie turned 2.

I'm still alive.

Watching "homeward bound"

Charlie post bath

Playtime, momma!! I'm faster than lightning! I can leap tall buildings....or sofa chairs in a single bound! Let's do this!

I hope Grandma isn't disappointed in me.

I've got insomnia and anxiety tonight. When I get way overtired like this, I feel completely ruled by my OCD impulses. This past week I have had a very hard mental health week, and I've not done my household stuff like I should. For the past twenty minutes I've fought the urge to clean the windows and light switches. I know. I'm crazy. I know they're fine. I know as much as I clean them they are fine. But I'm sad and anxious and my brain is telling me that will fix it, when I know a good cry and sleep will actually fix it. So instead I'm in a cycle of telling myself to and not to clean the windows and light switches again.

I admire my grandma very much. People always relied on her, dropped in without warning, ate at her table and she was always ready. The house always looked and felt so clean! I don't know how she fed all of Aiken with her pantry, but she seemed to do it. She canned from her garden, shelled oodles of pecans from her tree, baked cakes for everybody and their mother, and she never seemed down or tired. 

I'm down and tired. 

Her shortcoming? Her cabinets and drawers were not as clean and perfect as the rest of the house. My best effort? My closets and cupboards are neat. My failing? Everything else is jumbled up.

I feel like my kitchen sink would make her disappointed. But it's midnight, so I have to be quiet for my husband, who has to be at work in six hours. Why don't I have the drive she did to do the tasks I hate with a smile like she did? I miss her so much. She had all these little shelves in her kitchen windows, and a bunch of little African violets sprouting on them. She would literally wax her linoleum. I can barely stand to mop mine due to the pain it brings, but I can remember her buffing her floor on her hands and knees. I miss her. I miss her so badly it aches like someone stabbed me, but there's no blood showing anywhere. She never sat still, and right now I just want to sit still. Instead, I've gotten up and cleaned light switches, refolded towels, cleaned the bathroom and cleaned the hallway light switch again.

I miss her. I'm tired and I'm sad, and I miss her and will never live up to her.

Visiting the shelter

Today we stopped by the shelter that we adopted Charlie from. He was nervous, and didn't want to go through the door. The man who brought him to me that long ago day in December of 2013'opened the door and was shocked to see us. Charlie had a very hard time staying calm as soon as he saw him. I told him to give him kisses and love and Charlie about wet the floor in his excitement to knock the gentleman over. Kisses exchanged and a few tears shed. I know Charlie was bit worried I was going to take him there to abandon him, but as soon as he saw that man, he knew everything was okay.

Charlie and I both know if it wasn't for him, Charlie would have died of a broken heart while at the pound. He's such a sensitive dog, and he was depressed when he was incarcerated. The staff were so excited to see and hear how well Charlie is now. They took our picture and posted it as a before and after on their Facebook page.

From adoption day to today. <3

Christmas time photos 2014

Library knit group December 2014

Charlie's new winter coat, thanks to Heather and Rachel. <3

Le sigh

Charlie likes to hop in bed after my husband leaves for work in the morning. Usually to snuggle.

He's doing well, is back on duty. I'm doing okay too. Just trying to keep my head above water and fight my mental illness. I've knit a few washcloths, baked a few treats, gained a few pounds, cleaned a few piles that have been hanging around the house since we moved in. In other words, there's nothing interesting to say, but we're okay. Love.

Charlie loves Netflix.

He is watching a Canadian show about working dogs. He's glued to the tv, watching "Tilley" sniff out arsony. He's so totally into it. I just thought I'd share.

Random pictures

Nothing to say, but I've been quiet too long.

Charlie in my husband's hoodie.

Charlie and his "aunt" Mädchen.

...and his uncle Smokey.

Mischief napping.

Christmas went well

My mom and Charlie, taking a break from Christmas cooking.

Mischief and mayhem enjoying a holiday feast.

The human's version of the meal.

Gathering together (my side of the family).

Me and my husband at Protestant Christmas Eve service (church of the highlands).

Charlie and me resting after the festivities. We have been in a partially hibernated state since the 26th. At least he's cozy! I got to go to Catholic Mass yesterday, and wouldn't have been able to without support from my parents and sister. Thanks again!

Happy holidays, everyone!

Vet checkup today

But first, we got some encouragement to fortify us!

A lovely card from our local knit and crochet group! Thank you! Charlie keeps licking your card. Something tells me it smells a little bit like the "grandma" that sent it! :)

Handmade gluten free treats!!! Thank you Janet!

Charlie heartily approves!!!!

 

Janet also made the awesome card. If you'd like to cheer somebody up like she did, her cards can be acquired at: Janet's Papercrafts, jaskotnicki@yahoo.com! I assure you they are high quality, and very classy. She's even been featured in magazines. (Please support your local artists!)

Charlie is still recovering

He doesn't want to play (we would have to play quietly, to avoid his heart rate going up), and I'm still having to wake him up for meals. His back doesn't seem to be bothering him like it was, which is great. 

Thank you for your continued good hope for him!

About Charlie and Beth

Beth: "My life changed for the better when a humane society staff member said 'If you got a minute, I have a dog I think would be a great dog to visit hospitals and stuff. His name's Charlie. I'll be right back!'"

Charlie: "I was so happy to get out of my cage with my buddy. He seemed so happy that I was happy to follow him. So many dogs around here are pushy and yank on that rope that humans put on us, but I was just happy to follow him. He always has nice things in store for me. Even with I was sick with the crud everyone there was sick with, he loved on me and talked to me. When I didn't feel like eating he would stay with me and pet me until I felt better. We walked out past everyone and into the lobby where a lady with a weird stick was sitting with an older lady who looks and sounds just like her. They smell a little different, and I think the older lady was a little nervous at first to meet me, but the younger lady seemed to cheer up a little when I reached out to smell her. We went into a little room with a cat tree and a coke machine and got to know each other better. I peed on the tree so everyone would know I got into the room, and we sat and talked for a couple of hours. She kept asking me if I wanted to be her dog. I didn't want to go home with my old people anymore, so I kissed her and wagged my tail. She tried to pinch my paw a little, and pull on my mouth to see my teeth. I have pretty teeth, and she didn't hurt me so I just waited to see what she would do next. She stood up and banged her weird stick on the floor and dropped it. I looked at her to see if she was crazy, but didn't say anything. There was a really loud banging on the door, so I turned to look, and realized it was my friend checking on me to see if these people were nice to me. I think the ladies were shocked at how quiet I am. Maybe that's a good thing, because I'm not staying in the cage anymore! I'm going to be Charlie Majors - and learn how to help my new human every day!"

Beth: "Charlie and I started our journey together in December of 2013. Through extensive training, he has overcome food aggression, and fear of the car. He has learned basic obedience and also service dog tasks. He has become someone I trust with my life every single day! He helps me from the smallest tasks like picking things off the floor, to helping me do the shopping and laundry."

Merry holiday swapaganza!

My beautiful friends on ravelry and I decided to do swap boxes for the holidays, since we all celebrate different things, and we all need to watch our budgets.

Here's what I got:

(First off, awesome tape!)

OMG, they're handmade!!! Aren't they the cutest?!?

Charlie sniffing the gorgeous tiedied stocking, next to his "Sunday Best" supplies bag. It's my favorite color!!! Thank you!

This yarn is so soft, and smells delicious! It came with a pattern made just for it especially!

I found some curry chocolate and ginger chocolate hiding in the toe of the stocking!!!! After devouring half the bar, I've decided ginger and chocolate is the best chocolate in the world. :D

That's not the last of it either, she filled up every inch of the box:

She made all these gorgeous snowflakes, with the tiniest stitches I've ever seen! They must have taken all year to make!!!!

THANK YOU, S/babyfirefly!!!!

I'm blown away by the love you sent me.

Happy holidays!!!!!