I hope Grandma isn't disappointed in me.

I've got insomnia and anxiety tonight. When I get way overtired like this, I feel completely ruled by my OCD impulses. This past week I have had a very hard mental health week, and I've not done my household stuff like I should. For the past twenty minutes I've fought the urge to clean the windows and light switches. I know. I'm crazy. I know they're fine. I know as much as I clean them they are fine. But I'm sad and anxious and my brain is telling me that will fix it, when I know a good cry and sleep will actually fix it. So instead I'm in a cycle of telling myself to and not to clean the windows and light switches again.

I admire my grandma very much. People always relied on her, dropped in without warning, ate at her table and she was always ready. The house always looked and felt so clean! I don't know how she fed all of Aiken with her pantry, but she seemed to do it. She canned from her garden, shelled oodles of pecans from her tree, baked cakes for everybody and their mother, and she never seemed down or tired. 

I'm down and tired. 

Her shortcoming? Her cabinets and drawers were not as clean and perfect as the rest of the house. My best effort? My closets and cupboards are neat. My failing? Everything else is jumbled up.

I feel like my kitchen sink would make her disappointed. But it's midnight, so I have to be quiet for my husband, who has to be at work in six hours. Why don't I have the drive she did to do the tasks I hate with a smile like she did? I miss her so much. She had all these little shelves in her kitchen windows, and a bunch of little African violets sprouting on them. She would literally wax her linoleum. I can barely stand to mop mine due to the pain it brings, but I can remember her buffing her floor on her hands and knees. I miss her. I miss her so badly it aches like someone stabbed me, but there's no blood showing anywhere. She never sat still, and right now I just want to sit still. Instead, I've gotten up and cleaned light switches, refolded towels, cleaned the bathroom and cleaned the hallway light switch again.

I miss her. I'm tired and I'm sad, and I miss her and will never live up to her.