Wednesday, February 19, 2014

It all comes to a head like a zit.

(Image credit to Natalie Dee)
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A friend from school passed away in a car accident close to our home. He was one of the only teens kind to me in school and our church. I'm so sick of people I care about dying. If you're reading this and you're feeling ill or down or anything other than perfect - know you'll create a HUGE HOLE in me if you quit living right now. I can't take one more loss of life right now. I keep losing people I care about and it needs to stop RIGHT NOW!
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I was turned down for disability in only 10 days time. I make too much money, dispite the fact that I have low quality of life outside of work, and I need constant help with activities of daily living (grooming etc).

I was demoted at work this week and will lose over 10% of my monthly income and I still make too much money to qualify for the preliminary paperwork on disability...by $300 gross monthly.

I'm done with this week. I am ready to crawl in a hole and hide out.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


I have no happy face right now. Yesterday I had some kind of stomach affliction and ended up going home from work. I feel like crawling into a hole and knitting. Just knitting. No idea what project - at this point that hardly matters. I just want the gentle swish of the wool and the light click click of the needles. I drank 3 gatorades yesterday, and laid on the couch with my kitties and puppy until all the aches and stomach madness passed.

Charlie is doing wonderfully. He has a tendency to try and anticipate commands and do things he expects us to do based on habit but jumps the gun and does them without command, which isn't good. We've noticed if we can get him to the park and he can run and play that he doesn't do that!

We've been practicing him picking up objects he's never come across to touch - like my cane. Usually I'm in control of it, and it has a little strap so if my hand lets go it won't hit him. He's confused on how to pick it up, but he tries!
  He's helped this weekend with getting the clothes out of the dryer and into the basket. This job took a loooong time. It was like working with a toddler! He needed a lot of encouragement - so it didn't save any time, but it did save me having to bend over and wrangle all of it! He has continued to help by getting my shoes for me, and he has put them away too (by command). We cleaned out our closet this weekend and after Husband left for work I tried to get Charlie to pick up one of the newly empty hangers. We use the plastic kind - because before I learned about the Gyres I read in an organizing magazine that the easiest way to an organized looking closet is to have uniform hangers. To Dollar General I ran and bought several packs for $2 each. Sadly when they break they aren't recyclable. I wish I had known, but oh well! So anyway, Charlie had a rough time and was discouraged about not getting it, so I put peanut butter on it and he kept messing with it until finally he picked it up! I said "Good boy! Bring it!" and he brought it over and dropped it (without the command). I think we're going to need to work on a new task: "Hold it!"

This morning we had to take Husband to work. When we got back home and I let him outside to potty, there was a neighbor from 5 apartments down in our back yard letting her tiny mutt pee on my neighbors' back porch! I was flabbergasted! I never take Charlie any further than the edges of our windows in the back or front, and I would wash off the brick or pavement if it was raining and he peed on it, but this lady hightailed it, with her little dog yapping the whole way. Charlie just looked up at me like "What the heck was that, Mom??" and when I picked my jaw off the floor and said the command, he quickly did what he needed to do. I've thought about it all day and it creeps me out that someone was off our back porch.

Tonight we're going to our friends' house - the couple with the black weimeriner mix and the mini-pitt. Charlie's nails haven't been trimmed since his adoption on the 24th of December, so they agreed to help since I can't control the nail trimmer thing with my hands. Yay!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

I've been married for 8 years...

And I still don't quite know how that happened!

I was listening to the radio show "The Bert Show" on my way in to work this morning, and they were doing a segment about healthy, long running relationships. They were asking people to call in and in one sentence explain how they have stayed together so long. They gave examples like: "Raising the kids together has really cemented our bond", "Trusting each other", "Not fighting over money", "Sharing our faith with each other", "Doing athletic things together".

It struck me that Husband and I aren't bound by those things. I can't have kids, and he chose to marry me knowing that. I have trust issues, and he loves me anyway. We do fight over money, because we've lost our house to forclosure and now if we don't have the willingness to be more stubborn than each other, we end up spending more than we earn. (I am openly admitting he's talked me off the ledge of some insane purchases in the past!) We don't share the same faith either. I'm now a Catholic, and he is a Protestant. He plays baseball when the boys are interested, but we had to sell our matching bikes because I can't ride anymore.

I think what binds us together through all this mess is that we both stood before God and everyone we knew and promised we would stick it out and become "one flesh". That through everything we would always choose each other. There are times when I wouldn't choose him, or he wouldn't choose me except for that promise. There are times where we both wholeheartedly choose each other and we would make any onlooker sick to their stomach by how gushy we can be. Most of the time we're like a very comfortable pair of friends. I think if we ever stop investing in our friendship it would be very easy to say "I give up on that promise".

Husband has had some huge curveballs thrown his way lately. There has been a lot of increased pressure on our union. But I know who he's coming home to at night. I know he's going to help me feed the animals, and I'll gripe at him to kick his shoes off because "carpets catch all kinds of bacteria!!", and he'll roll his eyes, but kick them off anyway. I know that he'll ask "What's for dinner?" but now he'll try to learn how to help me make it. I know that we'll sit on the couch with Charlie at our feet and a cat on the back of the sofa behind each of us, and we'll watch a show Husband picks out while we eat what we made. I know with certainty that even if I'm too tired to clean the dishes, he won't gripe about it, and when it's time to go to bed we'll play fight over who has to turn off the lamp.


I think that's something that can't be summed up into one sentence.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Snow day tomorrow!

It's a snow day at work tomorrow, so Charlie and I get to bond and practice. For now I'll just share photos.




Monday, February 10, 2014

About time!


I used to be a completely organized and prompt person. You could set a watch by me. I've noticed as my health declines down its slow slope that more and more I resemble the White Rabbit from "Alice In Wonderland".


Try as I might, it takes me such a long time to get going! Say for example that I have to be at work at 8am. I wake up at 5:30 - 6:00am, shower, rest, feed the cats and Charlie, get dressed, rest, dress Charlie, potty Charlie, clean up after him, start loading the car - first him, then go get his bag, then get my purse, then get my lunchbag. Drive 6 miles, drop off Charlie so he can learn tasks while I'm at work, then it's traffic and work. If I'm lucky my trip that is only 30 miles from my front door to cubicle only takes 1 1/2 hours. Most days I'm 5 minutes late to work.

I used to be the model of perfection when it came to being on time, having everything ready. I'm having to push my body for even the small things and it's frustrating.



I feel like I'm a live action infomercial person...you know...the one that can't do simple things right. I don't know how to make it better. I wish there had been a handbook for becoming disabled. Like the book given to the couple who died in Beetlejuice! I guess this is just a whiny post, but I hope it's helpful to someone who is new to being a Spoonie: EVERYTHING will take extra time. It WILL be frustrating. I know I can keep fighting and trying to improve. But I'm allowing myself a day to wallow in it and say "UGH!!!!!"

And that's okay.